Book Series: Women Living Well - Chapter 17

Making Your Home a Haven

     "Home." What sentiments does that arouse within you? Is it a place you delight in and eagerly anticipate returning to at times. Or, is it a place you detest and returning met with fierce resistance? The home has a powerful impact on one's life. I'm mindful of the kind of home my child will grow up in, and if it is/will be the kind of place that will bring joy to his life long after he is grown and moved out. 

     I want my child to think fondly of his home, and enjoy being here. I want my husband to find rest and joy at home upon his return at the end of the day. I also want friends to feel welcomed in our home. It's tempting to think that more pleasing decor or elements of entertainment would make the home a haven. However, even with all these elements in place a certain depth would remain missing. I could have all the decorative elements, utmost style and entertaining gadgets or toys in our home, but the space would remain empty without meaning presence of people. 

     That presence begins with me. Courtney says it perfectly when she says, "It is not the things we have or the things we do not have that make our homes a haven. It's you ... you are the key to making a home a haven" (pg. 173). My demeanor contributes significantly to the well-being of my home. As Courtney says, "When I am tense, the rest of the family is tense. When I am crabby, my family is crabby right back at me. I want to have a peaceful home, and I have learned that it starts with me (pg. 172). My attitude, energy and overall character will either build up or tear down our home.

      I'm not always mindful of this truth. Today was a prime example as it was one of those days which started two steps behind and then battled exhaustion, stress and meltdowns. My attitude, energy and overall character stunk, and consequently so did my home. Fortunately, this goal of a positive and pleasing presence within the home is always one that can be worked towards. Tomorrow is yet another opportunity to make my home a haven for my family and guests. 

    

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*Note: Reviving Homemaking is not an affiliate of www.womenlivingwell.org or the publishing companies (Thomas Nelson & HarperCollins Christian Publishing). No compensation has been received by either of these entities for the review of the book. All opinions are my own. 

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-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-Question for YOU!-*-*-*-*-*-*-

What is something you wish you had learned to do before getting married or having children? Why?

(Your name (first name + last initial) and comment may be used in the upcoming Reviving Homemaking ebook. If you wish for your name to not be included, then please simply use "anonymous" or "guest." Thank you for your input!)

Building the Home: Laying Bricks of Protection

Image used with permission per CC Attribution License.
Copyright Tami Traylor "Traylorillo." Editing by Reviving Homemaking

     “The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down” (Proverbs 14:1). As I examine this verse once more, I note how responsibility and continuity are demonstrated by both women, though each does so in an opposing manner. Due to their contrasting approaches, the interaction between the wise and foolish woman is often hostile and counter-productive. Ultimately, if the wise woman is to choose to continue to build her home then she must do so with the bricks of protection against harmful or foolish influences.

Continue reading at The Focused Homemaker


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-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-Question for YOU!-*-*-*-*-*-*-

What is something you wish you had learned to do before getting married or having children? Why?

(Your name (first name + last initial) and comment may be used in the upcoming Reviving Homemaking ebook. If you wish for your name to not be included, then please simply use "anonymous" or "guest." Thank you for your input!)

Meaning of Home

Source

            The boxes and furniture have been delivered to your new home and now set in a chaotic array in each room. In spite of the mess, I see the beauty of potential. My creative mind busily composes images of the arrangements, textiles, and unique pieces that will offer such comfort and attractiveness to these open spaces and blank walls before me. I eagerly wait to add the many touches that will help to transform the generic townhome unit into something much more special- our home.

            Yet, even with all these elements in place a certain depth will remain missing. I could have all the decorative elements and the utmost style in our home, but without the company of friends and family the space will remain empty. The essence of a thriving home is more than the materials that comprise it; it’s the people who join together within that space.

            This notion is not new, and is, in fact, a commonly shared piece of wisdom. However, to some degree “home” remains to have a negative connotation. Home is the place where we can take refuge from the outside world, it’s our coveted storage space for all our dearly held personal belongings, it’s the place we get “stuck” in when we have nowhere else to go or no one with whom to go out. And for some, home is filled with so many unsettling moments or people that associating it as a good in life can be a challenge. With so many poor definitions of “home” existing, creating it into something completely different may seem daunting. It’s not! Each new day is a new opportunity to believe in the potential of home. There is so much depth and meaningfulness that can be instill into our homes!

            My heart for our home is for it to be a place that not only brings comfort to my husband and I, but also to others. Similarly, our space and possessions can serve others just as well as they serve us. In her book Simple Secrets to a Beautiful Home: Creating a Place You and Your Family Will Love Emily Barnes says:

                        Welcome home! That’s what I want my life to say to everyone whose path crosses mine. I want to create an atmosphere of serenity and joy, of blessing and belonging, that embraces people (myself included) and draws them in—an atmosphere that makes them feel loved and special and cared for. (page. 9)

Does this welcome and service require a little more of us? Certainly! Is it worth it? Absolutely! A life and home without welcome and service are regrettably missing something that truly enriches life. It’s not always easy to practice hospitality, especially when it feels like a faded practice among others. Nonetheless, I believe in the beauty of opening the doors of my home to guests and will continue to strive to do so. Think of it this way- could we spare one night each month to invite a family to enjoy dinner, dessert or an activity together? That’s only twelve days out of three hundred sixty five. Sounds a little more possible, right?

            But what if our homes are not decorated exactly like we’d want, or we don’t have the right (or enough) pieces to serve or entertain many guests? Then, take a breath and refocus yourself on the people not the possessions. Your guests are there to spend time with you, not necessarily your things. In fact, when they are there don’t even mention what is not as you’d like or how you’d change it if you could. The true lacking in that case is not of a material matter but a personal one. What is it that makes a less than desirable place one you feel compelled to return to time and again? It’s the content and joyful spirit of the person within the home! Strive to be the kind of person who is so content and so delighted in the company of others that everything else is insignificant.

Finally, what if we viewed our homes belonging more to God than us? Would our possessiveness lessen? Would we be less likely to use it as our hole to hide in? I believe God has a plan for each of us and will provide us with means to achieve that purpose. It’s about Him and His glory! That perspective has really influenced my desires for the meaning of my home and the means by which to achieve it. So as I continue unpack boxes and then decorate our space, I know that even if everything doesn’t come together as I have envisioned God does have it all together still! 

Linked up at: Passionate and Creative Homemaking, Our Simple Country Life, The Purposeful Mom, Renewing Housewives, Homemaker By Choice, Fingerprints on the Fridge, Your Thriving Family, Thankful Homemaker, Growing Home, Time-Warp Wife, Women Living Well

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Reclaiming an "I'm Sorry" Home

                “I’m sorry!” The words escape so frequently there becomes an ease to its flow. Between the walls of a home reside the hundreds of “sorrys” that have been released. Is there an ill in saying “I’m sorry?” Not necessarily. In fact, it would be praiseworthy for an individual to admit when he/she has done wrong and seek to confess such to the offended. However, does there come a point in which the word becomes empty and routine? Does making this repeated confession deepen the burden of guilt of imperfection or failure?

                It’s interesting how “sorry” quickly takes on the hissing sound of a snake when said too often. It no longer sounds as the innocence it should but more of a deception. Indeed, we may be genuinely apologetic for the occurrence. Yet, we’ve said it so many times that it loses its totality of truthfulness. Where holes of casual and careless familiarity form, guilt rapidly fills. In the end, the “I’m sorry” statement extends with “…I just can’t do anything right,” though it is false it remains believable.
              In the next moment we find ourselves repeating the offense and feeling weighed down even further. The guilt of a repetitive “sorry” can break us down and tear at the family in a similar fashion. Is there not to be more than a cycle of guilt-ridden sorrys?

Understanding God’s Desire for Us

                First and foremost, forward motion proceeds less effectively with the luggage of yesterday. It’s difficult to let go of those things that have clung so tightly to us. However, Psalm 55:22 says, “Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken.” Furthermore, Jesus tells us in Matthew 11:28, ‘Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest.’ If we wish for something different then we must first go to the Lord with our burden of guilt, imperfection, or failure and allow him to redefine and repurpose us.

Seeking the Heart of the Matter vs. the Apology

                I heard a mother share her philosophy in handling apologies and wrongs within her home. She stated that she actually places less emphasis on “I’m sorry” and greater on finding the heart of the matter and then seeking forgiveness. To simply say “I’m sorry” addresses the result of the action or attitude. On the other hand, to look deeper for the heart of the offense is to truly discover what needs to be forgiven and corrected. Often, the issue is a character quality. For instance, in repeating (ie nagging) a request or comment to my husband it isn’t only the action of doing so that I need to seek forgiveness but also the heart of selfishness and impatience. The goal in an unpleasant situation is to gain a greater understanding and growth from it. And so, by seeking the heart of the lacking character quality I can begin to seek God’s word and help in correcting this as means of preventing a repetition in the future.

 Allowing for Appropriate Expectations & Mistakes

                Here’s the fact of the matter- we’re going to make mistakes. Exasperation and guilt keep us making them over and over because they have inhibited the lesson from being learned. Recall that we are to be forgiving and loving to others because God first forgave and loved us. What about ourselves? Do we also permit ourselves to be forgiving and loving by …well, ourselves? If we are constantly falling short of the high expectation, then perhaps that is an indicator that the bar is set inappropriately high. When married, there is so much to learn and yet there exists an expectation to be able to excel in this role despite the level of preparation or training. Begin being accepting to the idea of taking baby steps in learning the role (it is a learning process, and not innate afterall). When you set and achieve smaller goals, then the reward is so sweet and will motivate to continue on to the next level. This may mean begin establishing a daily-weekly routine for managing the home, developing cooking skills one recipe or mealtime at a time, learning a skill with small projects that may be profitable later (ie sewing etc). Take whatever the greatest sense of failure derives from and begin chipping away at it one step at a time with the understanding that mistakes must be allotted for in the natural process of learning.
                I heard a tip regarding our response to a negative result. What if we responded simply with, “I can learn from that?” My home would be much more joyful if I could replace my habit of instantaneous “failure” label with “I can learn from that!”

           

                 Growing beyond "I'm sorry" has been on my heart as of late. I'm certainly not where I wish to be, but at least I have a goal in trying. Perhaps this hollow hiss is also something I'm not alone in attempting to regain control over. If not, then I pray you too will be encouraged.

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Guilt for Homemaking?

     My husband returns from another long day and I can see on his face the exhaustion and stress from the work take it's toll.  His eyes crease and darken a little more than before. His words fall silent and his attention drifts as he begins the process of trying to cope and transition from work to home. My heart aches to ease his burden.
     I should be sharing that burden, shouldn't I? I begin to examine my contribution in providing for us. I cry out to him with the repeated lies I had been taught to believe. In my heart I knew them to be false, but here I sit toying with them nonetheless. "I must work and bring home a paycheck as well." I have been taught the societal demand for the role of the provider and duty of work falling to both spouses. My examples have been for the household to consist of two paychecks going into two seperate accounts to cover two indepent sets of expenses. Under this assumption I am, indeed, guilty for not pulling my weight or dumping on my husband to provide exclusively.
       I revisit the passage in Genesis following the fall where God divides the consequence between male and female. Genesis 3:17-19 says:

           And to the man he said, "Since you listened to your wife and ate from the

           tree whose fruit I commanded you not to eat, the ground is cursed because

           of you. All your life you will struggle to scratch a living from it. It will grow

           thorns and thistles for you, though you will eat of its grains. By the sweat

           of your brow you will have food to eat until you return ot the ground from

           which you were made. For you were made from dust, and to dust you will

            return."

To the woman he says, "I will sharpen the pain of your pregnancy, and in pain you will give birth. And you will desire to control your husband, but he will rule over you" (Genesis 3:16). The divison appears rather clear. The labor of work or the labor of childbearing is painful and strenuous, but it is a consequence of the fall. Even as such, they can serve to sanctify us if we will allow ourselves to praise Him during the good times and bad times in life. Rereading this passage as it applies to the weight of work lifts the pity out of the situation, and instead allows me to consider the potential for wholeheartedly serving Him. God is good.
     David gently brings me back to this understanding as he assures me he willingly accepts his duty as my husband to work and provide for his family. With patient words he rebukes and clarifies the falsities which attempt to cloud the truth in my heart.  He assures me that my work within the home does ease his burdens by making things easier and more enjoyable for him. He doesn't have to come home or wake to an empty house, eat meals alone, or interact with me only on occasion. It's those little moments which serve to uplift the spirit and bless. We both fully understand and accept that that is far more valuable than a paycheck. I'm so grateful for God's gift of this man to me!
     The demand for each spouse to offer a paycheck as means of contribution is to deny value of the home or family. Provision extends far beyond financial means. It also involves providing a loving home and security in family. Homemaking as a means of providing for my home and family is not a guilt-ridden matter, but one I'm continuously learning and loving.