Pregnancy, Postpartum & Baby Favorites

     All in all, my experience has been that pregnancy, postpartum and baby don't require a tremendous amount of stuff or money. While I do have or have used other products, these are some of the ones I've found to be the most helpful and ones I've used nearly on a daily basis. Most of the post-pregnancy items pertain to nursing because ..well, Tennyson is only six weeks old and that has been our main focus each day. This favorites list will change as he grows and our focuses change. For now, my favorite pregnancy, postpartum and baby items are:

1. [Pregnancy] Body pillow & cover

     It didn't take long before I began creating what became known as my pillow forts. I used about 4-5 pillows to sleep comfortably. The best purchase I made during pregnancy was a body pillow. Best $13 spent. 

2. [Pregnancy and/or Postpartum] Belly support band

      I didn't quite reach the end of the pregnancy when the baby belly might needed to have been supported. However, I really, really wish I had one for postpartum. When I was making my list of preparations, I had included a belly band for postpartum. I've read how they aid in the belly regaining it's shape faster, so I thought it would be helpful. I didn't quite get to that point. I did get to the point of another postpartum use which is support after a c-section. I cannot express how much I wished I had this support! I believe it would have helped that post op "guts falling out" feeling as well as provide support to keep the muscles toned and scar thinner. It would also probably help the dgree of diastsis recti that resulted from the pregnancy. Two weeks had already past before I could try to find one, and so it wouldn't have done as much good. However, if there is a next pregnancy, then this item will be ordered asap.

3. [Postpartum] Loose fitting clothes & shoes

        After my c-section delivery, I didn't want anything to touch me. I wore the hospital gown until I couldn't. I then wore the same three outfits over and over. The roominess and flow of maxi dresses and skirts were ideal. They stayed clear of the incision, which was wonderful. The same applied to sleepwear. A nightgown was essential. I found a couple that even had a long button section at the top which has been perfect for nursing at night. I will absolutely be purchasing more of this type of clothing for next postpartum time.
         As far as shoes, I wore my Crocs as much as possible. I learned that one way the body tries to get rid of excess pregnancy and/or iv fluid is through swollen feet. My feet doubled and crocs were the only shoes that I could still wear. Also good to know for next time. haha. 

4. [Nursing] Nursing cover

      I am so grateful for this cover! During our multiple hospital stays people would walk into the room constantly. With the cover, I could nurse or pump without as much concern for someone walking in on me. The beauty of breastfeeding is that we can go out and all that is needed is me, the baby and this cover. So nice!

5. [Nursing] Nursing pads (Disposable Nursing Pads & Cloth Nursing Pads)

       These are essential for breastfeeding. I have had quite the supply and let down since the very beginning. I can soak clothes, bed sheets, and even the baby very quickly. Nursing pads are essential for me. I used the disposable ones initially. I really disliked how uncomfortable they are. I also didn't care for the price considering how many I was going through. So, I purchased cloth nursing pads. Nursing pads are like most cloth vs. disposable products in that in my opinion cloth is by far superior. They're so much more comfortable and keep me feeling dry. The disadvantages however are that they do require frequent washing (vs. the convenience of throwing them away after use). Comfort and cost make them worth the extra effort of washing in my opinion. I still use the disposable ones when I'm out though just so I don't have to carry around the used nursing pad. When we start cloth diapering and carrying a wet bag for those, then that may change.  

6. [Nursing] Nursing bras

       This is another item I wasn't prepared with by his surprise delivery. Like the belly band, I really, really wish I had some nursing bras since the beginning. The bras I had were great pre-nursing, but so very uncomfortable and inconvenient when nursing. It was two weeks before I got to the store to get some. I found a set of two bras for $13 at Walmart. Best $13 spent. I bought a couple of sets and am so glad I did. 

7. [Nursing] Breast Pump 

       I had purchased a single pump from the store prior to his arrival. Having had the expectation of him arriving at term and being able to fully breastfeed, I thought a simple single pump would suffice. Of course, that changed once he arrived seven weeks early. Mamas of preemies are dependent on a double pump for weeks to months while the baby grows and learns to nurse proficiently. I am so thankful the hospital worked to purchase this pump for me through my insurance. Apparently, one provision of the Affordable Care Act is that insurance companies must cover breast pumps. Whoo hoo! Not only is the pump itself of a superior quality than that which is typically sold in store, but the accessories are so helpful! I can easily pack the interior of the bag like a diaper bag and carry everything all at once. No one would even know you're carrying around a breast pump! The smaller tote with ice pack is also helpful when needing to transport pumped milk. We called it his "lunchbox" when I would carry what I had pumped at home to the NICU. haha. It has been extremely helpful during all our doctor visits and hospital stays. We're working towards exclusively breastfeeding, but until then I'm very grateful for this item (and for no out of pocket expense for it)! 

8. [Baby] Moses Basket 

          When we first brought Tennyson home we realized that we didn't have anything to place him in downstairs in our home. Everything we had gotten previously wasn't appropriate for a preemie. He actually spent the first week home napping in a laundry hamper until I could find a better solution! A pack-n-play came to mind, but I still didn't favor the massive size and the fact that they cost more than our entire crib set. I then found a perfect solution in a moses basket. It fits him well, was really affordable (<$30!), and doesn't take up a lot of space. It's so nice to have him able to nap and be downstairs with us! 

9. [Baby] Fleece sleepers

       He has lived in these fleece sleepers. For one, it's one of only a handful of clothing pieces available for a preemie. Second, it's cold here and preemies tend to require greater concern for maintaining body temperature. Since the material is fleece instead of a knit or cotton I was able to go without layering a onsie underneath it. 

10. [Baby] Infant SwaddleMe Adjustable Infant Wrap

       Swaddle wraps are wonderful! We've used them as a blanket substitute since a baby can't have anything in the crib to sleep including a blanket. We've also noticed that he sleeps better wrapped up. When unwrapped, he may move and startle awake. We've gotten into a habit of wrapping him up anytime he sleeps. Hopefully that will also help him understand sleeping time versus wakeful time.  The only downside of these are the velcro tabs. They make a mess during the wash by sticking to everything. 


*Note: Reviving Homemaking is not an affiliate of Target or Khols. No compensation or influence of opinion was had by the retailers for the  inclusion of products in this post.

Reviving Homemaking is an affiliate of Amazon.com. As such, a compensation is received for items ordered through the product links provided in this post. All opinions are my own. (Thank you for supporting Reviving Homemaking through this affiliate!)

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NICU Stay

Tennyson's "room" in the NICU

    The emotional toll of a NICU stay is great. I tried to keep a little journal to process my emotions and thoughts during our stay. Below are a few excerpts. I reorganized pieces into topical entries. Some days or moments were better than others. It's a journey. I'm grateful for the care we received, but also for us to have come to a point of moving on.

He's So Cute
      I know every parent thinks her child is the cutest thing ever. I've joined them. Oh my, I just can't get enough of his cute little self! He's absolutely amazing. 

God's Provision
     The hospital is an hour away from our home. Between here and there is a mountain that becomes rather treacherous in the winter weather. Driving from home to the hospital and back each day was a daunting task. Furthermore, leaving my baby was inconceivably heartbreaking. The nurses, though, insisted that we returned home and resumed a bit of normalcy in life. Sleep in our own bed. Go out for lunch or dinner at a restaurant. Go to see a movie. Do something other than remain at a hospital. The suggestion was unfathomable to me. How unnatural for me, a mama, to so easily leave my baby to seek my own pleasures. No, I wanted to be with my baby. 
      Upon my discharge from the maternity unit, we learned of a room available within the NICU that is used for transitioning babies (and parents) from the nurses care to the parents' care prior to release. We immediately pursued the possibility of staying this room whenever it was not in use. Why allow the room to simply sit empty when we could stay and be there for Tennyson 24/7. In our two week stay in the NICU, we ended up having to stay at home instead of the parents' room only 3 or 4 nights. We were told that even a two night stay was quite rare. As part of the stay in the room, we were each allowed a breakfast, lunch and dinner tray each day for free. The amount of money we were able to save by not having to drive or stay in a hotel in addition to meals was significant.  Beyond finances, though, it allowed us to be with Tennyson at all times and care for him to our greatest ability. This aspect weighed heavily on our ability to take him home prior to him meeting the weight requirement. As the doctor had said we were already doing everything they could do for him so why not allow us to continue doing so at home. How grateful I am God made a way for our family to be kept together during these difficult weeks, and even provide means of lessened expenses. 
        Tennyson's sudden arrival didn't leave much time for us to finish preparing. In fact, just that morning I made out a list of items we still needed and created a calendar to get it accomplished. He had other plans! Though we didn't even have a crib ready yet! We had planned to make a trip to IKEA for it that weekend. His early arrival also meant that we were at square one with diapers and clothes. We had nothing for a preemie size! Being in the hospital myself and then staying there with him until he was released didn't leave much of an opportunity to get those items (as well as post-op/postpartum items for myself). Incredibly, we began receiving an outpouring of love from friends and family. They wonderfully asked us what we needed and filled in the gaps. One sweet couple of friends even offered to pick up the crib and accessories for us.. 2 hours away. The generosity of gifts and time has blown me away. I again attribute such a beautiful presence in our lives at this time to be by God's direction. These people in our lives, they make life rich. It seems insignificant to merely send a thank you card for the postpartum items, baby items, phone calls/messages, cleaning and taking care of our home while we were away, support and encouragement we received, and so much more. Simply incredible. God provided through these individuals, and that is such a beautiful thing to witness in life. 

Teeny Tiny Tennyson
    I chatted a bit with another NICU mama today. Her baby was born at 30 weeks weighing 3 lb. 12 oz. Tennyson was 3 lb. 11.4 oz born at 33 weeks. He was three weeks further along in gestation, yet the same size as her little girl. For some reason, I didn't fully believe he was "growth restricted." He was just my teeny tiny Tennyson, even when he was within me. It's remarkable to see two babies that are two different levels of development, yet the same size. 
     A set of 30 week twins has joined us in the NICU. One of the twins is Tennyson's size! A twin at 30 weeks is the same size as my single baby at 33 weeks. Wow. 
     I forget how small he is. On occasion a full term baby is briefly brought in to the NICU. My initial thought is: he/she is huge! I see tiny premature babies each day, and lose perspective on the size of a term baby. I remember when David and I were shopping for newborn clothing prior to his arrival, and I thought those pieces were so small. The preemie clothes were just unfathomably small. I look at those same newborn clothes now and think they're massive. The preemie size seems an appropriate baby size now. It takes a comparison to reshift perspective. 

God's Protection
      We were finally able to bring Tennyson home! I'm ecstatic for us all to be home and now able to grow into our new normal together! We actually broke the "rule" by coming home while still under the weight requirement of four and a half pounds. One nurse I spoke with couldn't believe we are home with him still having not yet reached the four pound mark. Moreover, he's not on any medication or needing any equipment. She repeatedly asked if I realized how lucky I was for him to be in such phenomenal condition. I do. 
      The week of his birth (though we had no idea we would be delivering so soon), Tennyson measured within the 5th percentile on the ultrasound. It was disappointing to hear, but we maintained hope that he really wasn't "growth restricted" but that the ultrasound was highly unreliable or that he was just taking after the two of us in simply being small. 5th percentile did not speak well of his level of development. Yet, he was born with a loud, strong cry- a sound none of us had expected to hear. I had prepared myself to not hear that beautiful cry. I knew he was "behind." He also didn't receive the shot to quicken his lung development due to such a fast labor. Similarly, he should have needed respiratory support, but he was only on room air nasal cannula for a day. He exceeded the expectation for this suspected developmental "delay." In fact, he exceeded nearly all expectations for a "growth restricted" 33 week preemie. He latched and nursed beautifully on day two (he would later show some difficulty with nursing, but continued to be able to do it though he shouldn't have). He very quickly received less tubes, lines, and interventions each day. He was holding his own far before when he should have been able. I see some of these other babies in the NICU with us, and I'm so grateful for how well Tennyson's done. Though his growth restriction caused him to be the size of a 30 week gestation baby, he certainly continued to develop. I whole-heartedly believe God's hand was at work. He knew this little guy was going to come early, and so he made sure he'd be developed to the point he needed to be to be on the outside when the time was right. 

Future Plans
     Although we were told that we should be able to continue having children, I keep thinking: "can I do this again?" This high-risk pregnancy care. This surgery. This NICU care. This separation. This heartache. The nature of his birth wasn't a one-time occurrence that would allow me to try a VBAC next time. Next time and all future times will continue to be high-risk, premature birth via c-section and a NICU stay. The emotional toll of being separated from my baby and watching him work through the development that should have occurred in my belly is tremendous. How do I endure this journey yet again for another child in the future? I'm not sure I'm strong enough. 
       Then, I look into his sweet face and I'm confident that I would certainly do it all again. How precious is this little life. What if I had known prior to pregnancy what I know now and decided against trying to conceive and carry a baby? I wouldn't know the immense delight of getting to know who this person is and will grow to be. I imagine that to be the case for a future child. How could I possibly not be equally excited and enthusiastic to welcome another little being and watch him/her grow into his/her own person? Love really surpasses the hurdles challenges bring. I am strong enough to do it again.
        I realize that in asking if I can do this again I've excluded the role God has had. As I look back at so many aspects of the pregnancy, delivery, or his condition I see the presence and work of God. He protected us. He provided for us. It isn't a matter of if I can do it again, but if I believe that He can. 
      Yet, the desire to (physically) accomplish something is not the same as the ability to do so. While the life of this child is far greater than finances, it must still be considered that high-risk pregnancy care, c-section delivery and recovery, and a NICU stay amount to an astronomical price tag even with insurance. Honestly, it feels insurmountable. It feels like we'll be paying payments for this single birth for decades, and to consider adding to it would be unwise. 
     Though the doctor was encouraging about our ability to have another child in the future, the presence of limitations are undeniable. Perhaps it's time to accept an alternate desire/dream for our family (size). I'm not there yet. I love our little Tennyson, and am so grateful for him. Yet, a part of me is also grieving the children I won't be able to have. As a woman, the ability to have children is very dear. 

Guilt for Prematurity
       Each time the doctor or nurses make statements like, "he isn't suppose to be here yet" or "he's a preemie" my mind follows with saying "because I couldn't carry him." In fact, I won't be able to carry any of my babies to term. Even though I know there was/is nothing I can do about an anatomical abnormality, I still feel responsible and guilty. I still feel defective and less of a woman for not being able to do what women should be able to do. I realize this is an absurd statement, but in this moment this is my struggle. In this moment, my heart aches to do what my body will not. I wish with all my being to have been able to carry him healthily to term and avoid all of this. I wish we did not have to be in this position again to have additional children. I feel personally responsible and guilty for the perpetual prematurity involved in desiring children. 

Expectations
      Regardless of the fact that he is a preemie, I kept thinking of him as simply a small newborn. After all, beyond the first few days he has been without all the tubes and interventions seen in the other babies. I'm frustrated when he doesn't nurse well, but the nurses remind me that he shouldn't be nursing much because he's a preemie. But I've seen him nurse well and I know he can do it. Show me your potential and the bar will continue to be set high. Unfortunately, that doesn't work with a preemie. A preemie says he can do it one day and then the next day he simply doesn't. Each set back hits me with the full force of disappointment and discouragement (not at him, but at the situation). 
        The doctor recognized my tendency to set and hold to expectations. He reminded me that the expectations can have a way of diminishing joy of the moment. It's true. I'm more concerned with his progress than I am of simply enjoying him and the moments we share. I must relax and soak in these moments with him aside from expectations. 
       This letting go of expectations and accepting him and the situation of prematurity has made a big difference. I'm more relaxed and more enthusiastic with him. I'm more of the Mama I need to be. It's important for me to pause and refocus myself on the Mama I need to be- the Mama he needs me to be. 

Emotions Run Rampant
     Tears have been my daily companion. No other NICU mama has shown any signs of distress or weepy emotions for her baby being in such a place and in such a state. Then there is me, the mama who has the most emotions despite having the healthiest preemie. I don't know why this was the case. I just know that I miss my baby more than words could express; there are only tears. 

Bonding
    I was wheeled into the OR with a baby belly, but wheeled out without a belly or a baby. The disconnectedness is great. It's beyond unnatural. This baby that I had bonded with anonymously in my womb was no longer a part of me on the inside or out. Those potential moments of touch and bonding following his birth were gone. Stolen. The brief glances into the isolette and touches through it's windows aren't enough. Everything in my being screams for him to be with me. (That scream wouldn't subside for each day of the two weeks we were there.)
     I missed those bonding opportunities that would have been present with a non c-section & NICU birth. A part of me also misses the ability to have the opportunity to try it again next time. To receive my newly birthed baby into my arms for the first time. To pause in the moment to hold and cuddle him/her. To join with my husband in immediate celebration of this life and his/her joining our family. So many moments that I didn't have and will not have. 
      I feel like I've had to fight for the same bonding experience. It was nearly the end of the day before I even got to see him. Imagine being wheeled into a room and being told this baby is yours. You didn't see or feel his arrival, but here he is- yours. I knew he was mine, but I missed that intimate knowledge that came from a "normal" birth. 
       Though I had already planned to breastfeed, the act became more important than ever to me. It was our time to bond. It was special and I cherished it. We did well together until the time came in which we had to return to our home for the night. After receiving bottle feeds all night, he was reluctant to accept direct breast feeding the next day. My heart sank. This was the last bonding moment I had left. I cried and cried. The staff looked at me rather strangely because to them it didn't matter how he got the breastmilk as long as he got it. While I know this is true, the act of directly breastfeeding still holds a different value to a Mama. He hasn't totally given up on direct breastfeeding and neither have I. We have, however, accepted both breast and bottle (breastmilk) as a means of feeding each time. It's a lot more work, but it's worth it to me to have that moment together.