Wrestling with Feelings of Failure

Image used with permission per CC license Attr.No. Deriv. Copyright by Moyan Brenn

      In a corner of my home sits several boxes filled with bags of patterns and materials. Tucked neatly inside is a list of projects I have dreamt up. Inspiration and aspiration of creativity are not in short supply as they have easily accumulated uninhibited.  

     This is not the only area of my life that awaits accomplishment. As a child, I took gymnastics classes and piano lessons. For reasons I can’t quite recall I did not continue those activities. I played tennis for quite a while, and then stopped that as well. As an ambitious young adult, I enrolled in college with quite the lofty notion of my future. Eventually, that came to an end. The list could continue, but I struggle to admit even those few items as guilt and notions of failure choke my words.

     A few weeks ago an opportunity that I had expected to continue a few more months suddenly came to a close. I found myself as a mess of tears and confusion as I contemplated the abrupt and piercing nature of its closure. Thoughts of failure began to circulate once more. It’s an easy course to travel because it has been well traveled in the past.

      With each door that closes, there is a moment in which I remain in that place – that pit. “You’ve done it again- failed.” It is a well in-grained method of response. In all those moments of battling feelings of failure and its associated guilt I have learned a few lessons. The primary one is that feelings of failure will get me nowhere in life. I can either defeat it, or permit it to defeat me. The choice is entirely mine.

     Choosing to proceed despite missteps is the decision to fight against defeat. It’s the decision to not allow those ugly self-defeating thoughts to penetrate the heart. Habits are hard to break, and replacing words of failure with affirmation are no exception. Practice makes progress. Truthfully, it does not help keep me out of that pit, but it does keep me from falling in as often.

      It is valuable to note that failure is present only as long as I permit it to be. I do not have to carry the label of “failure” each day of my life. I don’t have to be further down the road in life, and still viewing myself or my life through that lens. What a miserable life that would be. No, thank you! Ideally, it would be possible to eliminate it entirely but I have yet to reach that place. I can, instead, choose to permit failure to be only a temporary place. It can be that place I return to in reflection and in seeking wisdom, but never remain. I must choose to move forward.

      Before I move forward though, I must accept responsibility for it. Feelings of failure will never lessen as long as I cast blame on something, or worse, someone else. It’s an easy route to take, but a highly unproductive one. In fact, it’s rather damaging. I have done it, but I don’t think the destructiveness ever really occurred to me until it was done to me. “You make me feel like a failure!” The words pierced through me. The good, the thing I’m trying so hard to accentuate in life, had been vilified. I had been incorrectly made responsible for another’s feelings of success or failure in life. It was not my place; only hers. Though that moment remains tremendously disheartening, it does serve a valuable purpose in reminding me that only I am responsible for my sense of failure or success in life. Another person’s success does not make me a failure. A condition- my friends and family, my home, my occupation, my role with regard to others, my activities- etc does not define success or failure. I must take personal responsibility of attributing “failure” to myself or my life. I made myself feel that way, and only I can take steps to reverse it.  

    To surrender to failure is to allow fear and guilt to inhibit productivity. How could I possibly ever succeed if I become too afraid to try? Telling myself that I should not try because I’ll just “mess up” again won’t get me anywhere. This is not living wisely; this is living in defeat. Perseverance in trying again and again is means of fighting onward. Or, when need be I can switch gears to do something I am good at, and doing so will reaffirm that I can succeed.

      

     Success is not necessarily a linear process. Moreover, all pathways or goals are not the product of only two options: success or failure. Not reaching a goal does not immediately mean failure. It means that the pathway may need to be modified. Sometimes the goal itself requires modification. There is wisdom in being able to examine missteps, make adjustments, and continue on towards a goal. Anyone who has ever greatly succeeded has rarely traveled a path that is straight up towards the goal.

      

     It sounds cliché, but it’s true that God has a purpose for everything including those missteps or “failures.” Those moments can teach us lessons serve greater purposes, if we so choose to listen and respond. In her book, What Women Fear, Angie Smith writes:

     What I saw as a character flaw, God saw as potential.

    What I perceived as weakness was going to be my glory-gift.

    What I was sure was failure was actually the heart of my success. (p. 71)

My desires for successes or failures in my life become so trivial in comparison to His will. He can redirect my pathway or my aim entirely. It’s the difference of being me-focused or God-focused. The only real way I can truly fail is to know Him and yet respond disobediently. Ultimately, it’s all about Him. 

Linked up at: Growing Home Blog, Time-Warp Wife

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Three Truths Regarding Blog & Social Media Connectivity

           

     This has been on my heart lately. I realize even as I write that I may be a contributor to the noise. Nonetheless, I wanted to share this struggle because it too is a part of my homemaking journey.

     When I began my homemaking journey (which also simultaneously became my blogging journey) there were few resources available. Now, just a few years later, there appears to be an abundance of voices contributing to the subject. So much so that at times I walk away from the pages discouraged and unsure as to what my roles are and how I ought to perform them. Am I fulfilling my duties of embracing myself as I am, remaining and growing in Christ, performing my homemaking role, and making my blog and business “successful?” With so many voices on what to be or do it can become confusing, overwhelming and just noise to my own journey.

       

       Connecting with others who share a common faith, interests, and lifestyle can be comforting, encouraging and joyful. I can, however, become so connected to the lives of others that I unintentionally disconnect from my own. How much time is spent immersed in the world of Pinterest, Facebook, Twitter, Blogs or other online media? If a timer could record each moment that the eyes meet the screens, then the time accrued would be revealing of true priority placement. All that time spent there is less time spent here. Here- the home and family within which I am called to be present. It’s unwise for me to be so fixated on the journey of others that I lose sight of my own.

        Ultimately, I’ve come to see three truths regarding the connectivity provided by blogs, vlogs, and other forms of social media. First, the purpose of blogs, vlogs, and other forms of social media are for inspiration not obligation. The content within these mediums are intended to serve as inspiration. The reader is never intended to feel obligated to agree or abide by any material presented. One should always think critically through and question that which is consumed. Second, true authority and guidance can only come from God. Connecting with other believers is a form of fellowship, but the use of the “follow” phraseology on all of the social media forms can create ambiguity. This is absolute truth: fellowship with friends, and follow Jesus. I have to stop for a moment and consider: “Have I opened blog pages more than I have turned Bible pages?” Even if the blog, status, or tweet is Christian-oriented, my primary source of spiritual encouragement and guidance must come from God and His Word. A message on God’s Word in whatever form cannot substitute the Bible itself. The final truth I have come to understand is that we are all on a journey. If I fixate on that of another, then I miss out on my own. This journey is walked with steady steps. There might be less than desirable lags of the trip. Those moments of struggle are part of the journey and serve the purpose of providing opportunities to learn and grow. 

     I have previously been cautious about sharing the less than put together side of myself or the roles I fulfill in life. Yet, I have grown conflicted about this partial admittance. Have I truthfully conveyed my real homemaking journey? This post is one step in that direction. I’m a blogger and a reader of blogs, and yet have found them to be confusingly encouraging and exhausting. I have tripped numerous times while watching the journey of others’ instead of my own. I have questioned if I really have anything new to contribute or am I simply another voice amongst the others. Am I the obstacle in someone else’s journey that causes her to stumble in realizing and embracing her own walk? Whether blogger or blog reader, I’m there with you.  The three statements mentioned above may not be appropriate for a generalized application, but for me they have spoken truth. 

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Trusted To Love

Source

                   

A tumultuous relationship may not be the result of a lack of love but a lack of trust. Often in these relationships a certain amount of tension is present and minor infractions escalate into explosive conflicts. On the surface it would appear that love no longer ties these individuals together. However, their repetitive interactions and, at times, moments of mutual aid and concern would suggest otherwise. And so, perhaps it is the element of trust that has been broken and not love.

     Trust suggests benevolence towards the recipient. The recipient must be ascertained to be honest and a secure place to confide and rest.  Trust must be present for the expression of the deepest level of love. Love is, after all, perhaps the most vulnerable state of being. Before fully loving, we must be able to fully trust.  A sensitive emotion or state of being like love is unlikely to be shared fully with someone with whom trust cannot be securely established. If that sharing is surmised to be at risk for being abused, then hesitation or even withholding of the full depth of love may occur. In this sense, the response becomes a means of self-preservation.

       Perhaps the greatest definition and demonstration of the meaning of love is found in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 which states:

“⁴Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” (emphasis mine).

Trust is damaged when the opposite characteristics listed within the verse are demonstrated. When love is given, and yet in response impatience, unkindness, envy, boastfulness, pride, rudeness, self-seeking, anger, etc is offered. The response is then unloving in expression regardless of the intention to be so or not. Over time, the mishandling of love by these means creates a barrier within the sender. He/she comes to learn that the recipient cannot be trusted with the full extent of one’s love.

      With this said, it is also important to address the verity that perfect love is impossible to achieve. Only God is capable of consistently demonstrating perfect love. Perfection, or the lack of shortcomings, is not the point of focus. The focus is on the conscious effort. The inability to demonstrate perfect love does not give warrant for the lack of conscious effort to work towards constant improvement. Marriage is a prime example as to how the emotion of love serves as the foundation but the work of love builds it up. A parent to child relationship, sibling to sibling, or friend to friend relationship is no different. The work of love cannot be neglected! At times it is easier to respond rashly in an unloving manner than to take the time and energy necessary to respond in the right way. However, a relationship is worthy of such effort.

     When a wall of uncertain trust or even distrust has formed in a relationship, time and work are necessary for breaking and rebuilding that wall. The wall wasn’t built immediately and so a sudden change of behavior or words will likely not immediately break it. Be diligent in the pursuit of rebuilding. Perhaps the first action needing to be taken is a sincere apology. In some instances, a break in trust due to unloving behavior cannot merely be ignored or assumed to have been given a continuous pardon based on whatever connection may exist in the relationship. An apology is an act of strength not weakness.  It takes true strength to reflect and acknowledge wrongdoing and the need for personal work. From the point of apology, begin to study and practice each characteristic of love. Become highly intentional to demonstrate them. The test, of course, will be to pause before a response to determine a more loving approach. The repetitive practice will form habits that will be reflected positively in both individuals and the relationship. Again, it isn’t about the achievement of perfection but progress.

 

     Love takes work, and sometimes an insufficient effort towards that work results in a break in trust. Love and trust may continue to exist despite the weakened state of the relationship. However, they may come to exist at a lesser level. A hesitation or withholding to some degree of love and trust may persist until the recipient has been ascertained to be a safe and secure resting place. This uncertainty manifests in the form of the continuous presence of tension between the individuals within the relationship. It’s never too late to begin the necessary work of improvement, however. It merely requires resolve and intentionality to personally take on the characteristics of love.

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(Your name (first name + last initial) and comment may be used in the upcoming Reviving Homemaking ebook. If you wish for your name to not be included, then please simply use "anonymous" or "guest." Thank you for your input!)