May- it's
the time for graduations. But for me it's a time of guilt and grief. It's a
reminder that I didn't do what I was supposed to do. It's a flagrant labeling
of me as a quitter, failure. I spent six years and thousands of dollars and yet
have no piece of paper hanging on my wall with my name on it. Six months from
the finish line and I walked away. I pushed so hard for so long to make it
happen, but for all the wrong reasons. Finally, I stopped. I could no longer
ignore God's tug on my heart. In that moment, for the first time I asked Him
what He would have me to do and that changed everything.
When I began my college journey I was
assured of my abilities to perform academically. I very proudly stated that I
was a college student, where I attended and what I was majoring in (at the time
;) ). When I think back on those years, I was always trying to prove myself. I
could do it. I am intelligent. I am capable. I am worthy of this praise. An “A”
wasn’t just a score, but a symbol for approval. I tried and I tried, but the
Proverb (16:18) rang true that pride goes before the fall. The last program attended was
again a last stitch effort to redeem myself from my miserable college
performance. It was the logical and safe choice, but not
the best choice. I discovered that a pretty solid sign that you’re on the wrong
path is when you feel obligated to change or hide who you are for it. Indeed, I
had denied myself on the inside to become pretend to be what I was supposed
to be for this field. I was miserable and cried each day. One day in particular was telling. The instructor had asked us to envision life five
years from then. Every single person said an education or career goal. Me? I
silenced the room and left jaws dropped with my honest response of “home and
family.” I had kept this to myself before then but there was the moment I had
to be truthful or deceitful with myself and them. I kept thinking, “if God created me as I am for
a reason, then what am I doing trying to be or do something else.” So, I
stepped out in faith into the unknown believing that God knows better than I do
and He is trustworthy.
Yet, I still want that beaming look of pride
expressed to one who has achieved a college degree. I want that sense of value
that is bestowed upon those who have earned and achieved it according to this
measure. To be considered accomplished and educated (because the paper deems one educated whereas my time spent in study all those years doesn't). To be
given the same respect and regard for choosing wife as others are given for
choosing work. In my weakness, I begin to believe that these desires would be
satisfied if I went back to the traditional path of college, career, and then
family. After all, a homemaker without children is nonsense, right? I’m wasting
my time and energy, not to mention holding us back from moving on in life, by
choosing this foreign path of homemaking as means of pursuing home and family,
right? The conflicting messages easily throw me into a pit of self-pity and
despair.
To believe these things and act upon them
would be to once again do the wrong things for the wrong reasons. I notice how me-driven
or others-driven my motivation was during my college years. The same is true of
the (false) desires mentioned above. It’s all about what I could do for what
they could give to me. It’s an empty exchange because only God could satisfy
those desires of my heart. Only He can give me worth, because He is the one who
carefully crafted me to be as I am. And it is only He who deserves such high
regard and glory. Who am I? Rather, I am one seeking the Lord and endeavoring to walk
by faith. I may one day return to college, but it will be for the right
reasons- to gain greater knowledge and skills or be in place for influence to
serve Him for His glory.
Even in my weak moments (and this
particular month there are many) I know that I can rest in the comfort of my
Heavenly Father’s loving embrace. I also know that love is so great that He
would give me a husband who so patiently endures my weaknesses and even my
sold-out heart for home and family. Blessed.
Linked up at: Homemaker By Choice, Visionary Womanhood, Growing Home, Women Living Well, Thankful Homemaker,Time-Warp Wife, Growing Home, Women Living Well, A Wise Woman Builds Her Home, Raising Arrows, The Better Mom, The Modest Mom, Raising Mighty Arrows, Our Simple Country Life, Passionate and Creative Homemaking, Your Thriving Family, Homemaker By Choice, Created to be HIS, Finding Beauty
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