Wrestling with Feelings of Failure

Image used with permission per CC license Attr.No. Deriv. Copyright by Moyan Brenn

      In a corner of my home sits several boxes filled with bags of patterns and materials. Tucked neatly inside is a list of projects I have dreamt up. Inspiration and aspiration of creativity are not in short supply as they have easily accumulated uninhibited.  

     This is not the only area of my life that awaits accomplishment. As a child, I took gymnastics classes and piano lessons. For reasons I can’t quite recall I did not continue those activities. I played tennis for quite a while, and then stopped that as well. As an ambitious young adult, I enrolled in college with quite the lofty notion of my future. Eventually, that came to an end. The list could continue, but I struggle to admit even those few items as guilt and notions of failure choke my words.

     A few weeks ago an opportunity that I had expected to continue a few more months suddenly came to a close. I found myself as a mess of tears and confusion as I contemplated the abrupt and piercing nature of its closure. Thoughts of failure began to circulate once more. It’s an easy course to travel because it has been well traveled in the past.

      With each door that closes, there is a moment in which I remain in that place – that pit. “You’ve done it again- failed.” It is a well in-grained method of response. In all those moments of battling feelings of failure and its associated guilt I have learned a few lessons. The primary one is that feelings of failure will get me nowhere in life. I can either defeat it, or permit it to defeat me. The choice is entirely mine.

     Choosing to proceed despite missteps is the decision to fight against defeat. It’s the decision to not allow those ugly self-defeating thoughts to penetrate the heart. Habits are hard to break, and replacing words of failure with affirmation are no exception. Practice makes progress. Truthfully, it does not help keep me out of that pit, but it does keep me from falling in as often.

      It is valuable to note that failure is present only as long as I permit it to be. I do not have to carry the label of “failure” each day of my life. I don’t have to be further down the road in life, and still viewing myself or my life through that lens. What a miserable life that would be. No, thank you! Ideally, it would be possible to eliminate it entirely but I have yet to reach that place. I can, instead, choose to permit failure to be only a temporary place. It can be that place I return to in reflection and in seeking wisdom, but never remain. I must choose to move forward.

      Before I move forward though, I must accept responsibility for it. Feelings of failure will never lessen as long as I cast blame on something, or worse, someone else. It’s an easy route to take, but a highly unproductive one. In fact, it’s rather damaging. I have done it, but I don’t think the destructiveness ever really occurred to me until it was done to me. “You make me feel like a failure!” The words pierced through me. The good, the thing I’m trying so hard to accentuate in life, had been vilified. I had been incorrectly made responsible for another’s feelings of success or failure in life. It was not my place; only hers. Though that moment remains tremendously disheartening, it does serve a valuable purpose in reminding me that only I am responsible for my sense of failure or success in life. Another person’s success does not make me a failure. A condition- my friends and family, my home, my occupation, my role with regard to others, my activities- etc does not define success or failure. I must take personal responsibility of attributing “failure” to myself or my life. I made myself feel that way, and only I can take steps to reverse it.  

    To surrender to failure is to allow fear and guilt to inhibit productivity. How could I possibly ever succeed if I become too afraid to try? Telling myself that I should not try because I’ll just “mess up” again won’t get me anywhere. This is not living wisely; this is living in defeat. Perseverance in trying again and again is means of fighting onward. Or, when need be I can switch gears to do something I am good at, and doing so will reaffirm that I can succeed.

      

     Success is not necessarily a linear process. Moreover, all pathways or goals are not the product of only two options: success or failure. Not reaching a goal does not immediately mean failure. It means that the pathway may need to be modified. Sometimes the goal itself requires modification. There is wisdom in being able to examine missteps, make adjustments, and continue on towards a goal. Anyone who has ever greatly succeeded has rarely traveled a path that is straight up towards the goal.

      

     It sounds cliché, but it’s true that God has a purpose for everything including those missteps or “failures.” Those moments can teach us lessons serve greater purposes, if we so choose to listen and respond. In her book, What Women Fear, Angie Smith writes:

     What I saw as a character flaw, God saw as potential.

    What I perceived as weakness was going to be my glory-gift.

    What I was sure was failure was actually the heart of my success. (p. 71)

My desires for successes or failures in my life become so trivial in comparison to His will. He can redirect my pathway or my aim entirely. It’s the difference of being me-focused or God-focused. The only real way I can truly fail is to know Him and yet respond disobediently. Ultimately, it’s all about Him. 

Linked up at: Growing Home Blog, Time-Warp Wife

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Finding One's Identity in the Proper Places

   

     

      Finding one's identity is a life-long journey. This endeavor to self-discovery, however, isn't an aimless wandering. Rather, it is a constant and purposeful pursuit. Identity is something that must be discovered, and this definition is one that ought not be held stagnant but permitted to shift and mold according to life's seasons. Throughout life we encounter experiences, people, and objects which will shape our definition of self, regardless of whether those inclusions are negative or positive. These are our conditions, and one of our greatest personal challenges in life is separating our identity from our conditions. Conditions- our friends and family, our home, our occupation, our role with regard to others etc- change. If we define ourselves exclusively by our conditions, then when they do change we will be left at a loss for who we are and where we go from there. All that we thought we knew of ourselves would have been revealed to be a false sense of self. 

      I described in a previous post a time in which my sense of self was heavily defined through the condition of college. I viewed and presented myself with a false sense of confidence and identity based solely on the circumstance that I was a college student, where I attended or what field I was studying. When that condition revealed itself to be hollow, I was left certain that that wasn't my true self but also aware that I didn't know who I was beyond those descriptions. 

      I later entered the realm of homemaking. I've studied this subject matter and have taken great delight in learning and practicing this way of life. Finally, I felt a little closer to knowing and living truer to myself. Yet, when my husband's job shifted us from a nightshift schedule lifestyle to a dayshift, my role as exclusive homemaker had to also be redefined in ways. He began to form good relationships with his coworkers, enjoy his job more, and have more time to do things outside of work. The new hours and increased availability has also allowed him to take responsibility for many areas that were previously completed by me alone. I'm genuinely thrilled for him, but initially I also felt as though I was no longer needed. Once more, an uncertainty of what I should be doing also translated to an uncertainty of who I should be. Who we are and what we do are often so intertwined that they two form such a combination that they are difficult to separate.  Homemaking and the associated tasks were what I did and how I saw myself, so what do I do when the role is no longer the same? Familiar insecurities of needing to feel worthwhile, valuable and needed based on my contributions to another person or area of work crept into my considerations of myself. Then, it occurred to me that this is yet another occasion in which my identity must be not be founded by my conditions but enhanced by them instead.

      A definitive way to determine if our identity is truth or dependent on a condition is to ask what state it would be in if that condition were to change or be lost completely. Jobs change. Friends change. Family situations change. Residences change. Financial situations change. Roles change. Education avenues and opportunities change. There is little in life that will remain perfectly still. If we have attached our identity exclusively to one (or many) of these entities, then when they do change we are lost not only for them but also for what they have falsely represented- ourselves. 

     In some situations, the inability to separate our identity from our conditions in order to allow that definition to experience those seasons of modification may result in the entity being lost entirely instead of just changed. To place the means of definition solely on a role or relationship is to weight it down with far greater responsibility than it was ever intended to hold. Eventually that role or relationship breaks. My husband does not need me to take care of absolutely everything for him in order for me to have a sense of worth. He needs me to recognize and appreciate myself for the qualities that he sees in me. (After all, he was attracted to me enough to marry me long before I performed or became any of the things I do/am now. There must be something to that, right?). My husband is blessed in having a wife who has placed her identity in the proper places. Similarly, though I am not a mother now I dream of that condition in the future.  As much as I desire that state of motherhood, I also know that it is not wise for me to define myself through my children. Again, children were never meant to be the means of defining the parent, though they can certainly enhance that definition. My children need me to be able to guide them through proper pathways of discovering and being secure in their identities, and I cannot do that if I haven't achieved them myself. If not, then my identity would be lost when the children grow into independent adults who no longer need me in the same capacity, and eventually this heavily burdened relationship breaks. If we're not bending our definition of self, then something is consequently breaking. I bless my husband or family when I am secure in my identity.

       Where does this secure identity come from? How is it attained when so many avenues of discovery are revealed to be false? I believe it must come from a source that doesn't change- God. God carefully crafts and creates us (Psalm 139:13-14). He also gave his son to save us (John 3:16). I believe we are created to be who we are to serve and glorify God in our own unique ways. If I’ve based my identity on conditions rather than God, then am I living to the potential that He intended for me? Am I using the conditions He has placed before me as means of enhancement or definition? He is the only solid and secure place to come to know who I am because that knowing is then based on who He is.

 Linked up at: Time-Warp Wife, Thankful Homemaker, Growing Home 

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Meaning of Home

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            The boxes and furniture have been delivered to your new home and now set in a chaotic array in each room. In spite of the mess, I see the beauty of potential. My creative mind busily composes images of the arrangements, textiles, and unique pieces that will offer such comfort and attractiveness to these open spaces and blank walls before me. I eagerly wait to add the many touches that will help to transform the generic townhome unit into something much more special- our home.

            Yet, even with all these elements in place a certain depth will remain missing. I could have all the decorative elements and the utmost style in our home, but without the company of friends and family the space will remain empty. The essence of a thriving home is more than the materials that comprise it; it’s the people who join together within that space.

            This notion is not new, and is, in fact, a commonly shared piece of wisdom. However, to some degree “home” remains to have a negative connotation. Home is the place where we can take refuge from the outside world, it’s our coveted storage space for all our dearly held personal belongings, it’s the place we get “stuck” in when we have nowhere else to go or no one with whom to go out. And for some, home is filled with so many unsettling moments or people that associating it as a good in life can be a challenge. With so many poor definitions of “home” existing, creating it into something completely different may seem daunting. It’s not! Each new day is a new opportunity to believe in the potential of home. There is so much depth and meaningfulness that can be instill into our homes!

            My heart for our home is for it to be a place that not only brings comfort to my husband and I, but also to others. Similarly, our space and possessions can serve others just as well as they serve us. In her book Simple Secrets to a Beautiful Home: Creating a Place You and Your Family Will Love Emily Barnes says:

                        Welcome home! That’s what I want my life to say to everyone whose path crosses mine. I want to create an atmosphere of serenity and joy, of blessing and belonging, that embraces people (myself included) and draws them in—an atmosphere that makes them feel loved and special and cared for. (page. 9)

Does this welcome and service require a little more of us? Certainly! Is it worth it? Absolutely! A life and home without welcome and service are regrettably missing something that truly enriches life. It’s not always easy to practice hospitality, especially when it feels like a faded practice among others. Nonetheless, I believe in the beauty of opening the doors of my home to guests and will continue to strive to do so. Think of it this way- could we spare one night each month to invite a family to enjoy dinner, dessert or an activity together? That’s only twelve days out of three hundred sixty five. Sounds a little more possible, right?

            But what if our homes are not decorated exactly like we’d want, or we don’t have the right (or enough) pieces to serve or entertain many guests? Then, take a breath and refocus yourself on the people not the possessions. Your guests are there to spend time with you, not necessarily your things. In fact, when they are there don’t even mention what is not as you’d like or how you’d change it if you could. The true lacking in that case is not of a material matter but a personal one. What is it that makes a less than desirable place one you feel compelled to return to time and again? It’s the content and joyful spirit of the person within the home! Strive to be the kind of person who is so content and so delighted in the company of others that everything else is insignificant.

Finally, what if we viewed our homes belonging more to God than us? Would our possessiveness lessen? Would we be less likely to use it as our hole to hide in? I believe God has a plan for each of us and will provide us with means to achieve that purpose. It’s about Him and His glory! That perspective has really influenced my desires for the meaning of my home and the means by which to achieve it. So as I continue unpack boxes and then decorate our space, I know that even if everything doesn’t come together as I have envisioned God does have it all together still! 

Linked up at: Passionate and Creative Homemaking, Our Simple Country Life, The Purposeful Mom, Renewing Housewives, Homemaker By Choice, Fingerprints on the Fridge, Your Thriving Family, Thankful Homemaker, Growing Home, Time-Warp Wife, Women Living Well

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Revisiting "Celebrating the Season with Thankfulness"

Originally posted 11-18-2011. Contains revisions to make it appropriate for this year. 

       November is here and now is the time that everyone seems to be sharing their participation in a "30 Days of Thanksgiving" gratitude activity. Last year, I was all excited to join in as well. I had intentions for each day to list, photograph and share an area of thankfulness to focus on for the day. Well, I believe I made it to day 3. The ideas from various sources for acknowledging gratitude were wonderful. However, they weren't my own and as such didn't strike a personal cord within me. Moreover, I felt like I needed something more than the words "thank you." How do I truly experience gratitude? Act on it.

        After that experience, I decided to compile my own list of activities. I believe it is important to define "Thanksgiving" as a season of celebration and not just a two hour meeting for stuffing belllies and entering food comas. Moreover, I feel as though thanksgiving should be more than a daily statement made one month each year. It's a year-long, life-long attitude that is so deeply seeded in my life that my life reflects gratitude beyond my words. The following is what I came up with for last year. As I look over the list again this year I'm refreshed and encouraged to strive towards making these aspect more apart of life, both now during the Thanksgiving season and through the upcoming new year. There may be areas that need to be altered a bit or changed entirely, but that's okay because the idea is to always be discovering new ways to be thankful and reflect that attitude. 


1) I stumbled across this pattern for a calendar at Everyday Celebrations. I plan to make a few changes though. I would like one which would be year-round so that I can also fill the pockets with ways to appreciate other seasons or holidays. So, the colors will be those in my home's color scheme and the title will be changed to say, "Enjoy the Moments." Having the pattern as a base will make it much simpler to create and personalize!

2) I wanted my list to focus on three areas:

Express Thanks= 10         Express Giving=10          Come Together=10

1. Express thanks for good neighbors. Invite a neighbor to tea/coffee/dinner. If you don’t know your neighbor, then introduce yourself (be sure to include your gratitude for them!)

2. Make Java Chip Pumpkin bread* loaves and share a loaf with someone who is usually under appreciated. 
             *Java Chip Pumpkin Bread= 1 box quick pumpkin bread + chocolate chips + replace 
                  water with coffee.

3. Discuss how you can serve a family or person specifically over the holidays

4. Express thanks for relationships (friends/family) so close that the distance doesn’t even seem present. Call, write, or contact them in any way to express gratitude for them and your relationship. It could be a character quality, something that was done, favorite memory, or the impact they’ve had one you.

5. Create a Blessing Bag to keep in your car and offer to homeless individuals you encounter.

6. Have a family game night. Before each turn name a blessing.

7. Express thanks to a veteran for their courage and sacrifice. Write a letter** to someone currently serving. Greet and talk with someone you see while out today.

           ** Day 7: Letter to Soldiers- multiple sites to allow participation. Letters to Soldiers, &
                Soldiers Angels are two that I found just by doing a quick Google search.

8. Leave a cashier with a bit of a payment towards the next person. (You will need to place a rubberband or clip around it with a note or something designating it as such. Don’t want to get the cashier in trouble for having money lying around out of the drawer!)

9. Enjoy the beautiful fall foliage during a family walk/hike.

10. Express thanks to the Lord for the day. Some days just seem like they shouldn’t have even been attempted. Nonetheless, each and every day is a gift. Write Psalm 118:24 on a notecard and place by your alarm clock for when you rise. Then, stick it in your pocket or somewhere visible to be reminded of it throughout the day.

11. Leave a generous tip. Next time you’re at a restaurant leave a generous tip with a compliment on the receipt. If there is a tip jar, then leave a little more than just your change.

12. Munch on popcorn while enjoy a movie together (Charlie Brown holiday films!)

13.  Express thanks for the quiet times. Rise early and put some coffee or tea to brew. Spend extra moment with the Lord and in thought of ways to live out your gratitude during the day.

14. Offer a listening ear and shoulder to cry on. So often poor attitudes cause poor support systems (ie friendships!). Call or meet up with a friend to simply listen.

15. Use Thanksgiving Box Of Questions during dinnertime. (I haven't personally used these, but I love conversation cards!).

16. Express thanks for the good in life. Critical and negative perspectives are nearly impossible to escape. Have you become a perpetuator? Determine today to examine your words and heart to only allow that which is follows Philippians 4:8 to permeate your environment.

17. Grocery shop specifically with the intention of donating the entire bag. (Many grocery stores offer donation boxes or packages for purchase).

18. Review the story of the first Thanksgiving. Why did they want to observe a time of thanks? What is the significance of the holiday today?

19. Express thanks for your husband. When did we begin to see him with a critical (disrespectful) eye more than a grace giving (loving) eye? Challenge yourself today to not only speak well of him, but to think such as well! Praise him! Believe in him! Respect him!

20. Delight a child by taping change to a vending machine (bouncing balls, gum balls etc)

21. Capture with your camera the various things throughout the day you’re thankful for.

22. Express thanks to God for his provision. Stress can easily mound when it appears that there is more going out financially than coming in. Yet, when all is said and done there was somehow enough. Do we have shelter? Clothing? Food? Support from others? Our notion of provision and the Lord’s may look different, but one thing that is certain is that He is faithful in His promise to provide for us. Trust Him to do so. Thank Him for already doing so.

23. Graciously relieve someone of one of their responsibilities.

24.  Revisit the family photo album and travel back to previous Thanksgiving celebrations. What was your favorite memory of those times?

25. Express thanks for all those that God places in our paths. Some individuals and experiences will build us up, while others will refine us. Remember Romans8:28. Choose to recognize the good that came from our interactions and experiences. Make an effort to be kind today, even when someone we encounter appear to be “tearing us down.”

26. Visit with someone who may be lonely. The best way to combat a feeling of loneliness in ourselves is to remove that feeling from someone else. Nursing homes and hospitals are a great place to start. Don’t stop there though. Think outside the box. Is there anyone that lives alone? Spends evenings alone (spouse works night shift)? New to the area? Etc etc.

27. Everyone share what is their favorite aspect of the holiday season. What activities/traditions added meaning or joy, and which ones detracted from it? What would each person like to include this year?

28. Express thanks for God creating you to be..you. We are his workmanship. He carefully crafted us into being. What we perceive as flaws may be a part of God’s special design for us. Remember  that He created us to be as we are in order to fulfill His purposes for our lives, not our own. It’s easy to compare ourselves to others and see shortcomings. Snap a photo of yourself and on the back of the printed picture write ways in which God sees you.    

29. Spending time with family often times requires a road trip. Make the stress of traveling a little lighter by obtaining a gift card for gas. Next time you’re at the pump, tape the card with a little note to it. (I would say hand the card to someone nearby, but I have a hard time imagining people accepting a gift nowadays).

30. Prepare a meal together. It can be the actual Thanksgiving meal, a side, or just a weeknight dinner. “Too many cooks in the kitchen” is a complete falsity. I say the more the merrier! Divide the work and each embrace the opportunity to serve each other in preparing the meal.

Additional Resources:
 Random Acts of Kindness - Page with numerous ideas for simple acts of kindness.
Homeword 30 Days of Thanksgiving - Page with great ideas for areas of thankfulness.
Give Thanks Countdown Cards- Cards to accompany calendar pattern from Everyday Celebrations
Positively Present's 30 Photo Challenge on Gratitude- 30 days of capturing in film areas of gratitude.

      I hope to create a similar list with the same three areas of focus for the Christmas season (and likely subsequent seasons as well). I'll try to get a photo when I can get the calendar and cards completed.

     As for now, I pray that it will encourage you to determine in what ways you would like to focus this holiday season. This list is what is fitting for our family. I encourage you to take some time to think through creating a list to make it yours :)

Linked up at: Don't Waste Your Homemaking, Growing Home, Far Above Rubies, Women Living Well, Raising Homemakers, Raising Mighty Arrows, Our Simple Country Life, Maxabella Loves, The Gypsy Mama, Time Warp Wife, Thankful Homemaker, Growing Home, Time-Warp Wife, Women Living Well

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