Book Series: Women Living Well- Chapter 10

The "Completing Him" Marriage Challenge, Week 2

     Marriage as an entity unto itself is frequently neglected. It quickly becomes an assumption- one in which I am so confident of the duration of our marriage that I may not be as attentive to the quality of our marriage. How easily marriage can come to the point of simply two individuals co-existing in life. The greatest influence on the quality of marriage is strong character qualities displayed by each individual. Who I am matters beyond anything I do. However, on occasion it's wonderful to make a bit of an extra effort to do something special. Chapter 10 of the Women Living Well book encourages such an effort. Courtney poses five challenges: cook your husband's favorite meal, follow your husband's vision, r-e-s-p-e-c-t, kiss him like you mean it, and assess your marriage. 

     Perhaps the greatest aspect of this week's challenges was simply that it got us discussing these topics. In marriage, it's so easy to just have surface level conversations about day to day happenings. The deeper discussions can become neglected. Yet, we need those deeper conversations. Each person is constantly evolving and it's so important to maintain connection and intimate knowledge of each other. 

     Some challenges this week were easier to accomplish than others. In all the challenges, I thoroughly enjoyed the conversations! We sat outside one evening and discussed our visions for our family. It was so pleasant to have that conversation and reaffirm that our visions aligned!

 

     The most fun challenge was the "cook his favorite meal" challenge. We frequently show love through food! I already knew his favorite foods (we cook each other's favorite meal for birthdays). The initial attempt at this challenge was a "fail" on my part (though, I think the fact that we planned for this particular meal was still considered a "win"). His favorite meal is fried chicken. The problem is that I don't fry food, and so he usually takes care of that portion of the meal. So, the plan was for him to fry the chicken and I'd cook the sides. In no time at all though he had the entire meal cooked! It was just easier for him to continue cooking. I may not have made the meal, but I think he still considered the effort a success simply because he got to have his fried chicken! I did make an extra effort to make him one of his favorite desserts another evening. He had a long and hard day at work, and so I thought he'd enjoy coming home to fresh baked cookies. That I can do!

     The hardest challenge was the one on "r-e-s-p-e-c-t." I'll admit that this is not a lesson I ever learned too well. I'm still trying to (re)teach myself the definition of this word. Not only do I want my husband to feel respected, but I also want my child to learn how to demonstrate respect by my example. Interestingly, in talking with my husband about this topic I discovered that we have different ideas on what constitutes respect or disrespect. It was so helpful to learn what behaviors/actions where most important to him in regard to this topic. While I'll probably maintain my list as well, I can now also try to focus on the ones he feels are most important.

     Another challenge was to "kiss him like you mean it." I'm a believer in showing affection in marriage! I enjoy seeing married couples who still hug and kiss and are generally affectionate with one another. Marriage should show love not co-existence between individuals. So, this challenge wasn't much of a "challenge" for me! I enjoy showing affection and kissing my husband!

    The final challenge of "assess your marriage" is one that simply comes naturally to me. I tend to be a rather reflective person, and am in constant "assessment" mode. I'm grateful to be able to say that our marriage is stronger now than it was in the beginning of the year. It took a bit of a hit from the stress and exhaustion of our son's premature arrival and then issues with lactose overload. Phew! We're finally feeling much more settled and enjoying this new season!

 

Spend time thanking God for the area that was least 

difficult for you. Also, ask Him to grant you strength, energy and creativity to work on the area 

that is the hardest in your marriage right now.

Follow link to download a copy of the series schedule

*Note: Reviving Homemaking is not an affiliate of www.womenlivingwell.org or the publishing companies (Thomas Nelson & HarperCollins Christian Publishing). No compensation has been received by either of these entities for the review of the book. All opinions are my own. 

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What is something you wish you had learned to do before getting married or having children? Why?

(Your name (first name + last initial) and comment may be used in the upcoming Reviving Homemaking ebook. If you wish for your name to not be included, then please simply use "anonymous" or "guest." Thank you for your input!)

Third Anniversary Reflection & Video

     Marriage is challenging because it requires us to stretch to new limits of patience, selflessness, forgiveness, mindfulness or intention, love, and understanding among many other qualities. Each year presents new conditions within which a marriage is worked. A choice must then be made to allow ourselves and our marriage to be strengthened or broken by those elements. Interestingly, there are times in which seeming brokenness reveals itself to be strength. Our third year of marriage has been much smoother than our previous two. While that likely has something to do with an ease in circumstances, I'd like to believe it has more do with the fact that we can understand the full sweetness of the present day only because we've tasted the bitter of former days. Though our approaches are often different, we share a common vision to be one solid unit in marriage.  It's a process and a work that produces a beautifully deep kind of love and marriage. Praise the Lord for lessons that shape us more and more to be the kind of people he created us and our marriage to be- even if the means of teaching is trying. 

Pick and choose your battles wisely. 
    Rarely is there a difference in perspective or preference that is worth damaging or breaking a relationship. I believe that God uses marriage as a tool to sharpen and grow us as individuals. If I stood firm in a “my way, or no way” attitude, then I’m not allowing marriage to do the work that God intended. There are occasions in which a compromise is the best solution, while other matters are best just being dropped. A resolution will not be reached by pressing an issue to the point at which tension develops. Ultimately, the quality of our home and family hold greater value than any subject of disagreement. 

A strong marriage is built through conscious effort

      Relationships require constant effortful investment! The greatest demand of a relationship is that of ourselves. Meanwhile, the greatest giving I can offer is that of my time and attention. . Nothing else will suffice. I've seen more this year how often my attention is focused on myself. I had never realized how selfish I could be until I married. I'm consumed with my wants, my concerns, my emotions etc. True selflessness in marriage is to put aside what I want or even feel at that moment in preference for what is needed by my husband or our relationship. I notice how David does this so well, and I'm grateful that he is so steady for me and us. He demonstrates such strong character qualities of which I can admire and learn. He gives of himself- his time and attention, and that is a beautiful building block in marriage. 

      I feel that attentiveness to all moments of life and marriage is one quality that makes our marriage/family and home so special. When we married, I didn't care a bit about the wedding or anything else. I simply wanted life together. I love all the little moments of sharing life together from making snow ice cream to planting flowers to picking and preserving strawberries. Building a strong marriage/family and home is about intentionality of investment. One component of that is the resolve to be be purposeful in sharing even the smallest moments of life together. 

     

Expectations must be expressed and agreed upon, realistic, and within the context of who your spouse is

Marriage may not be entirely for our happiness, but instead for our holiness

Always, always remember that if we have family, then we have everything

Finally, the following verses remain close to my heart especially in regard to marriage: 

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil butrejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (emphasis mine)

Additional Resources:

Our Second Anniversary Reflection & Video

Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs by Emmerson Eggerichs* 

201 Great Questions for Married Couples by Jerry Jones* {A few of the questions in the video came from this book}

*Note: Some of the products listed above contain affiliate links to Amazon.com. Reviving Homemaking is an affiliate of Amazon.com, and as such receives compensation for each purchase made through the links.  

Linked up at: Christian Mommy Blogger, A Mama's Story, The Alabaster Jar, The Modest Mom Blog, The Better Mom, Far Above Rubies, Growing Home, Time-Warp Wife

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(Your name (first name + last initial) and comment may be used in the upcoming Reviving Homemaking ebook. If you wish for your name to not be included, then please simply use "anonymous" or "guest." Thank you for your input!)

Date Night: Cooking Challenge

     My husband enjoys the show "Chopped" on the Food Network. While watching it one evening I began devising a way to create a date night inspired by the show's premise. I thought it would make a fun date night, and I knew that he would love it. 
     
      The rules were a bit different to accommodate the game being played as a date night. At the beginning of the week I handed him a card with how the game would be played. We each then had $10 to spend on ingredients that would serve as the mystery ingredients (three ingredients per person). Each person then wrote the name of the ingredient on a piece of paper and folded it to be drawn at the beginning of each round. This meant, that we were eligible for drawing our own ingredient. This was one of the safeguards I placed so that the mystery ingredient wouldn't be too wild with which to work. The second safeguard was that each person would have to eat the opponent's dish at the end of the round. So, while shopping we had to keep in mind the questions: 1) would I be able to work with this ingredient if I chose it? and 2) would I want to eat it if I'm served it in a dish? I'm not a professional chef and so I needed to make sure the game didn't come to a stop at the first round! The one aspect I didn't think of at the time was that all ingredients needed to work for all rounds. I purchased steak and after I realized it could be drawn during the dessert round too I was holding tightly to the hope that it would be drawn in one of the first two rounds only! (It was drawn for the main course- phew!).

      To make up for the fact that we aren't pros I added an allowance for the use of recipe books, online or other resources five minutes before each round and then during the round as well. Each round was timed as follows: Appetizer 20 minutes, Main Course 50 minutes, Dessert 30 minutes. We actually did pretty well with making each dish within the time limits! (If only I was that good on an everyday basis when cooking meals! haha).

      Finally, the last twist was that we would both prepare our dishes at the same time. Cooking within a time limit while using the same space and tools will either make or break you. But with this being a date night activity, the goal is to come to work together well, which we did. We definitely had to have a teamwork approach for cleaning up the massive mess after each round. Many hands really did make light work! But where's the studio clean-up crew when you need one?!

      All in all, it was a really fun date night adventure. Most of the dishes were really good. Some (uh hem..a certain dessert) were .... not saved. If you enjoy cooking, then I highly recommend trying out this little date night game! The following is a bunch of photos and a video from our game :)

How many attempts does it take for us to get one good posed photo? 6+ ! Apparently, a "tough face" is a challenge in itself for us!

The fennel gratin tasted better than it looked! 

Round 2 was a success!

The celery root for the dessert round was our one wild ingredient. I was just grateful it wasn't the steak! haha

And the winner is...

He outscored me in the creativity category. He cooked based on a concept like creating a gratin or pudding. I, on the other hand, found and followed recipes. haha!

     I'm a firm believer in designating a couple of nights a month to a date night. I think it's so important to be intentional about staying connected and having fun in a marriage. It doesn't have to be something elaborate or expensive. It can be as simple as cooking in your home kitchen together! The point is to always make one's marriage a priority, and designating date nights is a great means for achieving that goal. 

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(Your name (first name + last initial) and comment may be used in the upcoming Reviving Homemaking ebook. If you wish for your name to not be included, then please simply use "anonymous" or "guest." Thank you for your input!)

Dealing with Differences in Marriage

     My husband and I are very similar, but where we differ, we differ drastically. In fact, we are either on the same page or reading two different books. Differences between a couple could spell disaster for the marriage if both individuals have yet to come to understand and implement means of dealing with their differences. 

      When describing our personalities we often make the joke of saying that I am Type A while my husband is Type M..R...W or some other distant place in the alphabet. I tend to be more uptight and a lover of schedules/routines, organization and planning/goals. My husband, on the other hand, can aptly be described in one phrase- "no worries." He has a very laid back personality. It took me a while after we were married to understand that although he didn't complete tasks when and how I would have done them, he did do them (and often times better than I would have). I came to see that repeatedly telling him what needed done actually undercut him by conveying doubt in him, his priorities and his abilities. Of course he would grow less willing to voluntarily tackle a task with me fussing (uh hem..nagging)! Eventually, I learned that it was better for me to not say anything once the task/topic was discussed and allow him to do what he does best which is to work in his own way. Guess what? It worked...on me! Slowly but surely I'm learning to let go and relax a bit. Yep, that "no worries" spirit has worked hard to rub off on me. Similarly, my structured and organized characteristics have rubbed off on him a bit. We're both still solid in who we are as individuals, but by being receptive to the other person's qualities we've permitted God to do a work in us and grow us to a greater extent than would have been possible had we stood firm in our own ways. 

     We also differ in preferences for movies, music, money, faith, and thrill/adventure-seeking. Again, we're opposite sides of the spectrum. He's a spender (not really, but just doesn't worry about money) and I'm a super saver. He likes adventure and I like security. He likes more contemporary approaches to church/faith matters and I tend to be a little more conservative. He likes drama, suspense, action etc. movies and I like comedies (and of course, romantic comedies). I have hair on my head and he..whoops, we'll leave that one alone ( hubby- *wink, wink*). The point is, we are so different, but these areas are inconsequential. At the core of who we are as a couple is an indescribable bond. We just connect with one another. That connection has only strengthened as we have journeyed   through our marriage because we have learned how to deal with differences that arise in marriage. 

A Few Things I've Learned About Dealing With Differences:

*Pick and choose your battles-

       Ask yourself: Will this issue hurt or help my relationship? Rarely is there a difference in perspective or preference that is worth damaging or breaking a relationship. 

*Do what you can-

       I’ve found that I can still satisfy my preferences without disrespecting my husband or the decision he’s made for us. For instance, I continue to set financial goals and set a monthly budget. I place my efforts in making sure I stay within these perimeters, but I will never tell him where he can spend money or how much. I simply do what I can with what is available. Money is a poor reason for allowing disrespect and selfishness into a relationship.

      The other big area of differing perspectives for us is in regard to church/faith. We come from different backgrounds, and although our core beliefs are the same our approaches are often opposing because of these backgrounds. Faith is also a poor reason for allowing a fracture in the relationship because it should do the opposite by bringing us together. I can, instead, respect my husband’s leading in this area and then supplement with the music and messages I prefer on my own time. (Not a bad way to fill a homemaking day, by the way!).

*Compromise to meet in the middle-

       Letting go of exclusive interest in your position to be concerned about the other person’s is called selflessness, and it will do your marriage well. Marriage is about sharing life together, and that’s hard to do if your grasp if firmly on you, your life, and your interests. Some times neither one of you will get his/her way. You will, instead, have to determine a middle ground and strive for that goal. Where ever you land, you will be there together as one unit and that’s the most important part.

*Allow God to work through differences-

       I believe that God uses marriage as a tool to sharpen and grow us as individuals. If I stood firm in a “my way, or no way” attitude, then I’m not allowing marriage to do the work that God intended. My husband was given to me not just for my happiness, but also for God’s glory. God has taught me so much through the example of my husband. I am a stronger person and Christ-follower because of my marriage. This would not be the case without this belief in the purpose of marriage.

*Laugh!

       A turning point is reached when you can embrace each other’s differences, and even laugh at them (in a good way, of course). My husband cracks me up with his laid back approach to things. I admire those unique qualities in him (even if they remain a mystery to me!). I’m pretty sure he cracks up at my hyper-organization and other unique qualities. 

      This past Christmas we sponsored a child and went shopping for gifts for her. I selected classic, wooden, or otherwise educational toys, and my husband found every bright-light, plastic noise-maker on the shelf. It's hard not to laugh at our two differing approaches to the same task which was selecting toys for this little girl. 

   Learning to properly deal with differences in marriage is the work aspect of love. It builds the kind of love that has a firm foundation and lasts. Differences don't have to spell disaster for a marriage. When you come to see them function in a marriage as God does, then they are actually rather beautiful. I love my husband dearly, even the ways that he's different from me! 

Linked up at: Growing Home, Time-Warp Wife, Cornerstone Confessions, Growing Home, Far Above Rubies, Time-Warp Wife

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What is something you wish you had learned to do before getting married or having children? Why?

(Your name (first name + last initial) and comment may be used in the upcoming Reviving Homemaking ebook. If you wish for your name to not be included, then please simply use "anonymous" or "guest." Thank you for your input!)

Marriage Is More Than a Wedding Day

     As a little girl, I would daydream about the moment that Prince Charming would ask me to marry him. The fall air would be crisp and I would be thankful for the long lace sleeves of my gown. My father’s arm would wrap around mine and with an single look we would exchange an understanding of the beauty of this moment. His little girl was to be wed, and soon begin the next season of life. The string music would play softly and the guests would rise indicating that it was time for me to walk toward my groom and our life together. Our eyes would meet and enormous grins would stretch across our faces. This is it. This is the most important day of our lives. This is our wedding day.

      Even in my childlike mind, I had my wedding day on a pedestal. I knew it was supposed to be a magical day in life, and every movie and message confirmed it. Best of luck to Mr. Charming because getting married to me would come with some high expectations.

      Interestingly, I never envisioned my groom. There was never a particular build, hair color or even personality type to go along with the physical presence that was at the altar. Perhaps those details were considered only minor elements to the big day, despite the fact that they belonged to the groom whom is a pretty instrumental for that particular event. My dream was all about the wedding.

     Life is kind of funny in how it rearranges our ideas. My actual wedding was nothing like what I had envisioned, and I am thankful for that contrast. It even now strikes me as humorous to compare the two. The proposal was not an elaborate production, but one more intimate. I am not sure if I will ever forget the sight of David standing in front of me while shaking and stuttering to get the words of the question out. It was the greatest and most life changing words he would ever speak, and his delivery was honest and heartfelt. I never imagined it that way, and now I can’t imagine it any other way. It was perfect. I, of course, said “yes!” I also suddenly became left handed as for some reason my right hand seemed inadequate in comparison to the left which now displayed a shiny ring.

     We kept our engagement short, and while this period is typically full of delight over dresses, colors and other planning my mind and heart were elsewhere. I just wanted to begin life with him. Instead of the orchestration of the wedding day, I dreamed of beginning and ending each day together. I was filled with excitement for even the mundane aspects of married life like grocery shopping and sharing meals. The little girl grew up and realized that there was more to marriage than a wedding day.  

     We chose to wed in private, and then celebrate with friends and family on separate occasions. No longer was it the day, but our day. We did not have to be concerned about details of the ceremony or the fact that we would be the center of attention (a position that is rather uncomfortable for each of us). The exchange of vows was the most important to us, and it was that aspect that we desired to be the center of our attention. They were intimate words of our love and devotion to one another. From this point forward we would become one in marriage.

     To my surprise, married life did not come as smoothly as I had expected. We experienced our most difficult times to date during our first years of marriage, but also learned a tremendous amount about love and marriage. I expected to enter the famed “newlywed bliss” season of marriage and eagerly assert that I had married my best friend. While we did marry as best friends, we did not stay that way for long. I grieved the close relationship we had while dating and lamented over the ways life had changed. I imagine that he struggled with a similar realization of the difference between the expectations of marriage and the reality of marriage. What happened? Where did we go wrong? Why was marriage not making me happy?

       The truth is that marriage will not make you happy if you were not happy before marriage. Depreciative feelings toward myself or my life’s accomplishments will not disappear and I suddenly become a happier person with a better life simply because I am married. In fact, to place a means of definition of myself and fulfillment of my life solely on my marriage is to weigh it down with far greater responsibility than it was ever intended to hold. Perhaps there is more to marriage than me and my state of being.

     In his book, Sacred Marriage, Gary Chapman poses the question: “What if God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy?” The message is not that we will not be happy in marriage, because I assure you there is happiness in marriage. Rather, that marriage is a tool and not the end goal in life. God uses this tool to carve and sharpen us. Marriage teaches selflessness in that instead of my focus being on my happiness it shifts to the happiness of my husband. We are both going to experience moments of unhappiness in life, and it does neither of us any good if we are both focused on our own state instead of encouraging the other person. Marriage also teaches the meaning of love and grace regardless of them being offered in return.

 

     Marriage is a powerful tool, and I would miss these lessons if my focus had not shifted to God and His purposes for it. My life and love have been enriched greatly because of marriage. The truth is that my wedding day had little to do with reaching this end. Although it was a beautiful day and a memory that I will always hold dear, the greater joys in life are the marriage and the man with whom it is shared.  And so, may the child who imaginatively transforms a pillowcase into a veil and a Ring Pop candy into an engagement ring dream wildly, but also grow into a young lady who understands and cherishes that marriage is more than a wedding day.

Linked up at: Women Living Well, A Wise Woman Builds Her Home, Deep Roots at Home, Raising Homemakers, We Are THAT Family

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The Family Car

Image Source

What is the value of each individual owning a vehicle? I began to toss this question around more and more this year. When my vehicle is predominantly sitting parked in the parking lot, then its necessity and alternate use for it’s worth comes to be questioned. Yet, I also considered what owning my own car represented- wealth, status, convenience, and even entitlement. We do not live in an area with public transportation or biking paths, and so I wondered if it would even be feasible for us to downsize to sharing only one vehicle.

There was a time in which families did share one vehicle- the family car. All driving members of the family had to make arrangements necessary to accommodate the needs or wants for its use. What allowed one car to be sufficient then but not now? Perhaps it has to do with expectation. As vehicle ownership increased in time so did the expectation for such. The seeming norm now is for each driving member of a family to have his or her own vehicle. In fact, it is not unusual for sixteen or seventeen year olds to be provided a vehicle of his or her own (but not necessarily true ownership). There are certainly many, many other factors at play for the greater possession of vehicles now in comparison to previous times. Expectation is simply one.

          

      After much discussion my husband and I made the decision to sell one of our two cars.  We weighed the pros and cons to making this rather big decision, and the following were the factors that were considered:

Advantages:

• ·         Avoid costly maintenance/repairs.
• ·         Financial stability
• ·         Decreased insurance payments, taxes/registration/tags
• ·         Option to replace two older vehicles for one more reliable one
• ·         Eliminates a "yours" and "mine" mentality within our marriage
• ·         Humility

Disadvantages:

• ·         Inconvenience
• ·         Lack of transportation in the event of an emergency
• ·         Immediacy of purchase if a two-income situation were to be needed
• ·         Judgment for choosing to live differently

     Ultimately, the advantages outweighed the disadvantages. We’re still discussing whether we want to trade in the remaining car for a newer vehicle. After finally achieving no car payments and one less debt, I’m reluctant to rush back into another one. Even then, we’ll continue to be a one car family. It takes a little more planning and intentionally if just one of us needs the car. Sharing a car also takes compromise. All of these qualities are good characteristics to develop personally and in a marriage. Sharing a car is simply another means of doing so.

Everyone’s situation and needs for transportation are unique, and I will certainly not assume that what has been appropriate for me and my husband is the same for others. If you are considering downsizing to one car, however, then I hope to encourage you with my experience.

Linked up at: A Mama's Story, Courtship Connection, The Alabaster Jar, Thankful Homemaker, Growing Home, Time-Warp Wife, Women Living Well

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