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| Image used with permission per CC license Attr.No. Deriv. Copyright by Moyan Brenn |
In a corner of my home sits several boxes filled with
bags of patterns and materials. Tucked neatly inside is a list of projects I have dreamt up. Inspiration and aspiration of creativity are not in short supply as
they have easily accumulated uninhibited.
This is not
the only area of my life that awaits accomplishment. As a child, I took
gymnastics classes and piano lessons. For reasons I can’t quite recall I did not continue those activities. I played tennis for quite a while, and then stopped
that as well. As an ambitious young adult, I enrolled in college with quite the
lofty notion of my future. Eventually, that came to an end. The list could continue,
but I struggle to admit even those few items as guilt and notions of failure
choke my words.
A few weeks
ago an opportunity that I had expected to continue a few more months suddenly came
to a close. I found myself as a mess of tears and confusion as I contemplated the
abrupt and piercing nature of its closure. Thoughts of failure began to
circulate once more. It’s an easy course to travel because it has been well
traveled in the past.
With each
door that closes, there is a moment in which I remain in that place – that pit.
“You’ve done it again- failed.” It is a well in-grained method of response. In
all those moments of battling feelings of failure and its associated guilt I have learned a few lessons. The primary one is that feelings of failure will get me
nowhere in life. I can either defeat it, or permit it to defeat me. The choice
is entirely mine.
Choosing to
proceed despite missteps is the decision to fight against defeat. It’s the
decision to not allow those ugly self-defeating thoughts to penetrate the
heart. Habits are hard to break, and replacing words of failure with affirmation
are no exception. Practice makes progress. Truthfully, it does not help keep me
out of that pit, but it does keep me from falling in as often.
It is valuable to note that failure is present
only as long as I permit it to be. I do not have to carry the label of “failure”
each day of my life. I don’t have to be further down the road in life, and
still viewing myself or my life through that lens. What a miserable life that would
be. No, thank you! Ideally, it would be possible to eliminate it entirely but I have yet to reach that place. I can, instead, choose to permit failure to be only a
temporary place. It can be that place I return to in reflection and in seeking
wisdom, but never remain. I must choose to move forward.
Before I move
forward though, I must accept responsibility for it. Feelings of failure will
never lessen as long as I cast blame on something, or worse, someone else. It’s
an easy route to take, but a highly unproductive one. In fact, it’s rather
damaging. I have done it, but I don’t think the destructiveness ever really
occurred to me until it was done to me. “You make me feel like a failure!” The
words pierced through me. The good, the thing I’m trying so hard to accentuate
in life, had been vilified. I had been incorrectly made responsible for another’s
feelings of success or failure in life. It was not my place; only hers. Though
that moment remains tremendously disheartening, it does serve a valuable purpose
in reminding me that only I am responsible for my sense of failure or success in
life. Another person’s success does not make me a failure. A condition- my friends and family, my home, my occupation, my role with regard to others, my activities- etc does not define
success or failure. I must take personal responsibility of attributing “failure”
to myself or my life. I made myself feel that way, and only I can take steps to
reverse it.
To surrender to
failure is to allow fear and guilt to inhibit productivity. How could I
possibly ever succeed if I become too afraid to try? Telling myself that I
should not try because I’ll just “mess up” again won’t get me anywhere. This is not living wisely; this is living in defeat. Perseverance in trying again and again
is means of fighting onward. Or, when need be I can switch gears to do
something I am good at, and doing so will reaffirm that I can succeed.
Success is
not necessarily a linear process. Moreover, all pathways or goals are not the
product of only two options: success or failure. Not reaching a goal does not immediately mean failure. It means that the pathway may need to be modified.
Sometimes the goal itself requires modification. There is wisdom in being able
to examine missteps, make adjustments, and continue on towards a goal. Anyone
who has ever greatly succeeded has rarely traveled a path that is straight up
towards the goal.
It sounds cliché, but it’s true that God has a purpose for everything including those missteps or “failures.” Those
moments can teach us lessons serve greater purposes, if we so choose to listen
and respond. In her book, What Women Fear, Angie Smith writes:
What I saw as a character flaw, God saw as
potential.
What I perceived as weakness was going to be my glory-gift.
What I was sure was failure was actually the heart of my success. (p.
71)
My desires for successes or failures in my life become so
trivial in comparison to His will. He can redirect my pathway or my aim
entirely. It’s the difference of being me-focused or God-focused. The only real
way I can truly fail is to know Him and yet respond disobediently. Ultimately,
it’s all about Him.
Linked up at: Growing Home Blog, Time-Warp Wife
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