Showing posts with label Faith. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Faith. Show all posts

Friday, August 8, 2014

Building the Home: Laying Bricks of Protection



 

"The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down" (Proverbs 14:1). As I examine this verse once more, I note how responsibility and continuity are demonstrated by both women, though each does so in an opposing manner. Due to their contrasting approaches, the interaction between the wise and foolish woman is often hostile and counter-productive. Ultimately, if the wise woman is to choose to continue to build her home then she must do so with the bricks of protection against harmful or foolish influences.

The foolish woman is actively involved in the condition of her home. The verse uses the word "tears" as a present tense verb that conveys the occurrence as an action and one that is ongoing. The behaviors leading to this result will likely continue. After all, it is done in the presence of foolishness and the absence of wisdom. In such a state, the foolish woman may or may not comprehend how her actions have ill-effects or that she is even responsible for them. The verse makes it clear, though, that she is the responsible individual with the use of the words "her own hands." The foolish woman has chosen character qualities, behaviors and/or actions which are destructive, and consequently her home is damaged or destroyed. Blame or explanation cannot truthfully be applied towards the cause or the results, though she may attempt such. "With her own hands" her house has been torn down.

The wise woman, on the other hand, also demonstrates responsibility and continuity but the result of her efforts is a well-built home. She takes the task personally by accepting responsibility for the construction and outcome. The verse again uses a present tense verb that conveys her action to be ongoing. She "builds" continuously and with intentionality. She understands a strong home is not automatic and not the responsibility of anyone or anything else, and so she purposefully works towards this goal. She seeks and utilizes wisdom as she builds.

The natures of work shown by these two women suggest that each will continue to act in her respective manner. For the foolish woman, she will continue to behave in a manner that is destructive. The home of the wise woman is therefore vulnerable to the foolish woman’s poor influence. She can easily begin tearing down the wise woman’s home if permitted. Again, the foolish woman acts without the wisdom and without such poor choices will continue to be made. However, the wise woman can prevent damage by laying bricks of protection as part of her building efforts. In other words, it is wise to build protection into one’s home and family against poor influences.

Interactions between the two may persist, but the wise woman must be cautious as to the degree at which the foolish woman may be of influence to the home or family. Two homes torn down can serve no benefit to either entity. There are two choices in life to be made: seek wisdom or follow foolishness. I choose wisdom. I choose to build my home.


Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. -Galatians 6:9

 
 








Originally published 11/26/13 at The Focused Homemaker

Friday, November 29, 2013

Building the Home: Laying Bricks of Protection

Image used with permission per CC Attribution License.
Copyright Tami Traylor "Traylorillo." Editing by Reviving Homemaking
     “The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down” (Proverbs 14:1). As I examine this verse once more, I note how responsibility and continuity are demonstrated by both women, though each does so in an opposing manner. Due to their contrasting approaches, the interaction between the wise and foolish woman is often hostile and counter-productive. Ultimately, if the wise woman is to choose to continue to build her home then she must do so with the bricks of protection against harmful or foolish influences.

Continue reading at The Focused Homemaker


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Monday, November 4, 2013

Wrestling with Feelings of Failure

Image used with permission per CC license Attr.No. Deriv. Copyright by Moyan Brenn

      In a corner of my home sits several boxes filled with bags of patterns and materials. Tucked neatly inside is a list of projects I have dreamt up. Inspiration and aspiration of creativity are not in short supply as they have easily accumulated uninhibited.  

     This is not the only area of my life that awaits accomplishment. As a child, I took gymnastics classes and piano lessons. For reasons I can’t quite recall I did not continue those activities. I played tennis for quite a while, and then stopped that as well. As an ambitious young adult, I enrolled in college with quite the lofty notion of my future. Eventually, that came to an end. The list could continue, but I struggle to admit even those few items as guilt and notions of failure choke my words.

     A few weeks ago an opportunity that I had expected to continue a few more months suddenly came to a close. I found myself as a mess of tears and confusion as I contemplated the abrupt and piercing nature of its closure. Thoughts of failure began to circulate once more. It’s an easy course to travel because it has been well traveled in the past.

      With each door that closes, there is a moment in which I remain in that place – that pit. “You’ve done it again- failed.” It is a well in-grained method of response. In all those moments of battling feelings of failure and its associated guilt I have learned a few lessons. The primary one is that feelings of failure will get me nowhere in life. I can either defeat it, or permit it to defeat me. The choice is entirely mine.

     Choosing to proceed despite missteps is the decision to fight against defeat. It’s the decision to not allow those ugly self-defeating thoughts to penetrate the heart. Habits are hard to break, and replacing words of failure with affirmation are no exception. Practice makes progress. Truthfully, it does not help keep me out of that pit, but it does keep me from falling in as often.

      It is valuable to note that failure is present only as long as I permit it to be. I do not have to carry the label of “failure” each day of my life. I don’t have to be further down the road in life, and still viewing myself or my life through that lens. What a miserable life that would be. No, thank you! Ideally, it would be possible to eliminate it entirely but I have yet to reach that place. I can, instead, choose to permit failure to be only a temporary place. It can be that place I return to in reflection and in seeking wisdom, but never remain. I must choose to move forward.

      Before I move forward though, I must accept responsibility for it. Feelings of failure will never lessen as long as I cast blame on something, or worse, someone else. It’s an easy route to take, but a highly unproductive one. In fact, it’s rather damaging. I have done it, but I don’t think the destructiveness ever really occurred to me until it was done to me. “You make me feel like a failure!” The words pierced through me. The good, the thing I’m trying so hard to accentuate in life, had been vilified. I had been incorrectly made responsible for another’s feelings of success or failure in life. It was not my place; only hers. Though that moment remains tremendously disheartening, it does serve a valuable purpose in reminding me that only I am responsible for my sense of failure or success in life. Another person’s success does not make me a failure. A condition- my friends and family, my home, my occupation, my role with regard to others, my activities- etc does not define success or failure. I must take personal responsibility of attributing “failure” to myself or my life. I made myself feel that way, and only I can take steps to reverse it.  

    To surrender to failure is to allow fear and guilt to inhibit productivity. How could I possibly ever succeed if I become too afraid to try? Telling myself that I should not try because I’ll just “mess up” again won’t get me anywhere. This is not living wisely; this is living in defeat. Perseverance in trying again and again is means of fighting onward. Or, when need be I can switch gears to do something I am good at, and doing so will reaffirm that I can succeed.
      
     Success is not necessarily a linear process. Moreover, all pathways or goals are not the product of only two options: success or failure. Not reaching a goal does not immediately mean failure. It means that the pathway may need to be modified. Sometimes the goal itself requires modification. There is wisdom in being able to examine missteps, make adjustments, and continue on towards a goal. Anyone who has ever greatly succeeded has rarely traveled a path that is straight up towards the goal.
      
     It sounds cliché, but it’s true that God has a purpose for everything including those missteps or “failures.” Those moments can teach us lessons serve greater purposes, if we so choose to listen and respond. In her book, What Women Fear, Angie Smith writes:
     What I saw as a character flaw, God saw as potential.
    What I perceived as weakness was going to be my glory-gift.
    What I was sure was failure was actually the heart of my success. (p. 71)
My desires for successes or failures in my life become so trivial in comparison to His will. He can redirect my pathway or my aim entirely. It’s the difference of being me-focused or God-focused. The only real way I can truly fail is to know Him and yet respond disobediently. Ultimately, it’s all about Him. 


Friday, May 10, 2013

Selecting Background Noise For the Home

        


          Studies have shown background noise to have an affect on attitudes and behavior. In essence, the more active the sound the more activity generated within the mind and behavior. Similarly, calmer and more melodic the music generates less activity and promotes relaxation. Retailers and other places of business have long used this research in determining the type of music to be played. Trendy clothing retailers will likely prefer to play fast beat and high energy music to create a sense of excitement and even connect the shopper to a fashion runway setting. Doctors offices typically play classical or easy listening styles of music to calm anxiety that may be present in their patients. Places with a lot of visitors and commotion may also use classical music to ease the chaos. Selecting the type of music or background noise is critical but so is the level. Too much of a background noise produces the opposite affect. For instance, classical music produces a calm affect but not when played too loudly. Too little background noise results in individuals becoming uncomfortable and seeking to escape the silence. 

        The home environment is similar in demonstrating the affect background noise has on attitude and behavior. I've personally noticed that what I listen to even if only played in the background has an affect on my attitude, concentration and productivity. The absence of noise is uncomfortable as I am highly conditioned from the loud modern day life to expect some degree of input at all times. The simplest response is to turn on the television, movie, radio or log onto social media. However, those resources are rarely beneficial in moving me forward in life in a positive direction. They also have a tendency to turn into needless noise themselves.  

        Over time I've come to rely on a handful of sources for adding more favorable background noise to my home during the days. One of my favorite verses is Philippians 4:8 which states: "Finally brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable -- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy --think about such things." I know that for me I'm more likely to think in this manner if I have made an effort to put such content into my mind. The effort is not as much about blocking any and every poor influence, but to use greater discretion as to what will be primary. For me, and in my home, I desire for the noise to be uplifting and edifying while also spiritually and intellectually challenging.


     For the most part, I have my Pandora Praise & Worship station playing hymns. I'm not opposed to contemporary worship songs, and, in fact, I do enjoy many of them. However, I love a good hymn! Many more of those speak to my heart. At times throughout the day I find a moment or situation that brings a lyric to mind. How often I have sung "I need thee every hour!" A few favorites on my Pandora station include:
          Journey: A Praise Offering [album] by David Carnes
          Adoration: Solo Piano Hymns [album] by David Nevue
          Beginnings [album] by Fernando Ortega
          Hymns: A Place of Worship [album] by 4Him
          Greatest Hymns [album] by Selah

      One aspect of seemingly everything transitioning to an online presence is the ability to find great sermons and messages. My top favorites are Greg Pinkner from a program called Crossroads held at Fellowship Church in Tennessee and Andy Stanley of North Point Ministries in Georgia. I had the privilege of attending Crossroads while in college. I enjoyed that Pinkner had a very unforced sense of humor, and taught Bible-based lessons on a college level. Even though I'm no longer in college, I still tune in to his messages and they still challenge and convict me. I really enjoy reading the Bible and learning on matters of faith, and his messages support that endeavor. Andy Stanley's messages are, to me, of a similar strong foundation. He also mixes humor with more serious content. He has a great real-life application approach without turning into a self-motivation talk.

      It's been great to listen to messages and music online while doing the mundane household activities like dishes and laundry. I've also played them while working on long projects, especially sewing projects. I'm not opposed to non-Christian media, and frequently part take of them as well. The above mentioned sources are, however, my favorites for accomplishing the goals of providing calm and edification. I've found that in the noise of everyday life, there are means of issuing calm. Even greater is the ability to for spiritual growth in and praise to the Lord!


*Note: Reviving Homemaking is not affiliated with any of the sites, companies, products or individuals mentioned or included in the links, and was not asked to include or recommend them in this post. (I simply like what they have to offer!)

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Balance In Work

Image Source


     How many stories or words of wisdom regarding work have been written? There are accounts which emphasize work and there are those that speak otherwise. So, which is the best path to follow? In the Bible, there are a few passages which demonstrate these varying perspectives on the subject.

     Perhaps the most referenced passage women look to for guidance is Proverbs 31. This passage describes the characteristics of a “noble” or “ideal” woman. Verse after verse tells of her extensive activities. Simply reading over the listing is exhausting!  I immediately feel inadequate for reaching this level of work. Is this woman ever lacking or restful? It’s like she’s not human! And that’s because she isn’t and actually never was.

     While valuable in its wisdom, Proverbs 31 was not a command to Christians. In fact, it was an oracle from King Lemuel’s mother. In other words, it’s her opinion. Let’s imagine for a moment that a group of women with sons were gathered together and asked what they would wish in a wife for their sons. The result would be a different set of characteristics from each woman. These qualities would be in part based on her personality and experiences as well as her ideal for life. Again, varying opinions on what constitutes “noble” or “ideal” womanhood.
         
      I find that the “proverbs 31 woman” is not the one deserving of my idealization because very quickly it can become idolization of an unworthy entity. The Proverbs 31 woman was not the one who said, “Come and follow me.” As a Christian, I’m a follower of Christ first and foremost. Does He require me to mold into this one set of standards in order for me to become an ideal woman? Or, does he have an ideal that is unique to his creation? By looking to and following Christ, He grows me to become the ideal version of myself for the purpose of serving and glorifying Him in my own unique way. 
     
     The account of the Proverbs 31 woman seems to emphasize constant hard work. Another passage in the Bible seems to suggest the converse. Ecclesiastes 2 can be summed up in one word- “meaningless.” Indeed, work in this passage is deemed “meaningless” and a “chasing after the wind.” The author (probably King Solomon) considers the lingering effect his work would have depending on the wisdom or foolishness of the inheritor. A foolish individual could waste away the progress made, and render the previous work futile. Thus, work is labeled as meaningless. Yet, one must work in life to some degree. King Solomon then provides a solution of satisfaction. In verse 24 and 25 he says, “a man can do nothing better than eat and drink and be satisfied in his work. This too, I see, is from the hand of God, 25 for without him, who can eat or find enjoyment?”  He continues by saying, “To the man who pleases him, God gives wisdom, knowledge and happiness, but to the sinner he gives the task of gathering and storing up wealth to hand it over to the one who pleases God. This too is meaningless, a chasing after the wind (vs. 26).” I understand this message to mean to find satisfaction in God’s provision, and to strive after anymore than that is …well, meaningless. Work hard and be content with what is provided.
          
     Finally, the story of Mary and Martha is perhaps one of the greatest perspectives on work. Luke 10:38-42 records the account:
38“As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha  opened her home to him. 39She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said. 40But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, ‘Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!’
41‘Martha, Martha,’ the Lord answered, ‘you are worried and upset about many things 42but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.’ “
 Initially, my response is to join Martha in a cry of unfairness. There is a greater message here though, has nothing to do with fairness. It has everything to do with the focus of the heart. Martha is described as being “distracted by” and not “busy with” all the preparations. The wording seems to suggest that her attention should be elsewhere as well. In Jesus’ response, he says that Mary had chosen something “better.” It would seem that Martha is doing plenty, and yet, she apparently is still lacking in some regard. In consideration of how many preparations she was likely handling, how could she possibly be expected to do more?     
    
      The difference may lie in the classic want-versus-need balance. Jesus says, “one thing is needed” (emphasis mine). I can easily relate to this idea. How often does my “To Do” list grow unnecessarily to the point of distracting me from greater places for my attention? What I want to accomplish may not necessarily be what I need to do. Furthermore, Jesus isn’t asking for her to do more for Him in regard to her work. The relationship Jesus offers is less about work and more about the heart. While Martha’s efforts were noble, she missed Jesus’ presence. How often do I rush through the day to check off my to-do list and miss God’s presence in my life? This may mean skipping quiet time but God isn’t present just in my designated devotional time. He’s also present in the ordinary moments such as meal preparations.
     
      In conclusion, work in life is a matter of balance. This balance isn’t a fixation on one set of ideal set of standards. It is a satisfaction in God’s provision. It’s also attentiveness and focus set in the proper places. To attempt to work 24/7 or measure up to one set of ideal standards will only lead to exhaustion, frustration, and discouragement. It’s okay to not feel like you need to be Wonder Woman or save the world all the time. Even God rested after six days of work! God’s love and presence isn’t going to decrease (and neither should your husband’s).
     
     With this said, we’re always working towards something. The job, however, may look different than our presumptions of what constitutes as work. For instance, relationships are always in a state of work. My effort towards my relationships may not necessarily be something I do for someone but the attention I give him/her. When my husband and I are together, we strive to put aside our individual pursuits or work to focus on each other. Our relationship has grown tremendously because we never stopped putting work into it. I can only imagine the message I’d be sending if I disregarded my husband’s presence after his day at work in order to focus on my work or housework. If you have children, then consider the message that is sent when you repetitively say, “Go play. I’m busy.” What about when the home is opened in hospitality. My guests and I would miss out on our relationship if I were to exclude myself to wash dishes or other cleanup work. Those tasks are distracters that can wait until the guests leave.  There is plenty of work to be done without pressure or guilt for not saving the world or working 24/7! Sometimes the greatest work is simply surrendering our hearts and attention.

Additional Reading:

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Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Finding One's Identity in the Proper Places

   

     

      Finding one's identity is a life-long journey. This endeavor to self-discovery, however, isn't an aimless wandering. Rather, it is a constant and purposeful pursuit. Identity is something that must be discovered, and this definition is one that ought not be held stagnant but permitted to shift and mold according to life's seasons. Throughout life we encounter experiences, people, and objects which will shape our definition of self, regardless of whether those inclusions are negative or positive. These are our conditions, and one of our greatest personal challenges in life is separating our identity from our conditions. Conditions- our friends and family, our home, our occupation, our role with regard to others etc- change. If we define ourselves exclusively by our conditions, then when they do change we will be left at a loss for who we are and where we go from there. All that we thought we knew of ourselves would have been revealed to be a false sense of self. 

      I described in a previous post a time in which my sense of self was heavily defined through the condition of college. I viewed and presented myself with a false sense of confidence and identity based solely on the circumstance that I was a college student, where I attended or what field I was studying. When that condition revealed itself to be hollow, I was left certain that that wasn't my true self but also aware that I didn't know who I was beyond those descriptions. 

      I later entered the realm of homemaking. I've studied this subject matter and have taken great delight in learning and practicing this way of life. Finally, I felt a little closer to knowing and living truer to myself. Yet, when my husband's job shifted us from a nightshift schedule lifestyle to a dayshift, my role as exclusive homemaker had to also be redefined in ways. He began to form good relationships with his coworkers, enjoy his job more, and have more time to do things outside of work. The new hours and increased availability has also allowed him to take responsibility for many areas that were previously completed by me alone. I'm genuinely thrilled for him, but initially I also felt as though I was no longer needed. Once more, an uncertainty of what I should be doing also translated to an uncertainty of who I should be. Who we are and what we do are often so intertwined that they two form such a combination that they are difficult to separate.  Homemaking and the associated tasks were what I did and how I saw myself, so what do I do when the role is no longer the same? Familiar insecurities of needing to feel worthwhile, valuable and needed based on my contributions to another person or area of work crept into my considerations of myself. Then, it occurred to me that this is yet another occasion in which my identity must be not be founded by my conditions but enhanced by them instead.

      A definitive way to determine if our identity is truth or dependent on a condition is to ask what state it would be in if that condition were to change or be lost completely. Jobs change. Friends change. Family situations change. Residences change. Financial situations change. Roles change. Education avenues and opportunities change. There is little in life that will remain perfectly still. If we have attached our identity exclusively to one (or many) of these entities, then when they do change we are lost not only for them but also for what they have falsely represented- ourselves. 

     In some situations, the inability to separate our identity from our conditions in order to allow that definition to experience those seasons of modification may result in the entity being lost entirely instead of just changed. To place the means of definition solely on a role or relationship is to weight it down with far greater responsibility than it was ever intended to hold. Eventually that role or relationship breaks. My husband does not need me to take care of absolutely everything for him in order for me to have a sense of worth. He needs me to recognize and appreciate myself for the qualities that he sees in me. (After all, he was attracted to me enough to marry me long before I performed or became any of the things I do/am now. There must be something to that, right?). My husband is blessed in having a wife who has placed her identity in the proper places. Similarly, though I am not a mother now I dream of that condition in the future.  As much as I desire that state of motherhood, I also know that it is not wise for me to define myself through my children. Again, children were never meant to be the means of defining the parent, though they can certainly enhance that definition. My children need me to be able to guide them through proper pathways of discovering and being secure in their identities, and I cannot do that if I haven't achieved them myself. If not, then my identity would be lost when the children grow into independent adults who no longer need me in the same capacity, and eventually this heavily burdened relationship breaks. If we're not bending our definition of self, then something is consequently breaking. I bless my husband or family when I am secure in my identity.

       Where does this secure identity come from? How is it attained when so many avenues of discovery are revealed to be false? I believe it must come from a source that doesn't change- God. God carefully crafts and creates us (Psalm 139:13-14). He also gave his son to save us (John 3:16). I believe we are created to be who we are to serve and glorify God in our own unique ways. If I’ve based my identity on conditions rather than God, then am I living to the potential that He intended for me? Am I using the conditions He has placed before me as means of enhancement or definition? He is the only solid and secure place to come to know who I am because that knowing is then based on who He is.

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Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Meaning of Home

living room at morning
Source

            The boxes and furniture have been delivered to your new home and now set in a chaotic array in each room. In spite of the mess, I see the beauty of potential. My creative mind busily composes images of the arrangements, textiles, and unique pieces that will offer such comfort and attractiveness to these open spaces and blank walls before me. I eagerly wait to add the many touches that will help to transform the generic townhome unit into something much more special- our home.

            Yet, even with all these elements in place a certain depth will remain missing. I could have all the decorative elements and the utmost style in our home, but without the company of friends and family the space will remain empty. The essence of a thriving home is more than the materials that comprise it; it’s the people who join together within that space.

            This notion is not new, and is, in fact, a commonly shared piece of wisdom. However, to some degree “home” remains to have a negative connotation. Home is the place where we can take refuge from the outside world, it’s our coveted storage space for all our dearly held personal belongings, it’s the place we get “stuck” in when we have nowhere else to go or no one with whom to go out. And for some, home is filled with so many unsettling moments or people that associating it as a good in life can be a challenge. With so many poor definitions of “home” existing, creating it into something completely different may seem daunting. It’s not! Each new day is a new opportunity to believe in the potential of home. There is so much depth and meaningfulness that can be instill into our homes!

            My heart for our home is for it to be a place that not only brings comfort to my husband and I, but also to others. Similarly, our space and possessions can serve others just as well as they serve us. In her book Simple Secrets to a Beautiful Home: Creating a Place You and Your Family Will Love Emily Barnes says:

                        Welcome home! That’s what I want my life to say to everyone whose path crosses mine. I want to create an atmosphere of serenity and joy, of blessing and belonging, that embraces people (myself included) and draws them in—an atmosphere that makes them feel loved and special and cared for. (page. 9)

Does this welcome and service require a little more of us? Certainly! Is it worth it? Absolutely! A life and home without welcome and service are regrettably missing something that truly enriches life. It’s not always easy to practice hospitality, especially when it feels like a faded practice among others. Nonetheless, I believe in the beauty of opening the doors of my home to guests and will continue to strive to do so. Think of it this way- could we spare one night each month to invite a family to enjoy dinner, dessert or an activity together? That’s only twelve days out of three hundred sixty five. Sounds a little more possible, right?

            But what if our homes are not decorated exactly like we’d want, or we don’t have the right (or enough) pieces to serve or entertain many guests? Then, take a breath and refocus yourself on the people not the possessions. Your guests are there to spend time with you, not necessarily your things. In fact, when they are there don’t even mention what is not as you’d like or how you’d change it if you could. The true lacking in that case is not of a material matter but a personal one. What is it that makes a less than desirable place one you feel compelled to return to time and again? It’s the content and joyful spirit of the person within the home! Strive to be the kind of person who is so content and so delighted in the company of others that everything else is insignificant.

Finally, what if we viewed our homes belonging more to God than us? Would our possessiveness lessen? Would we be less likely to use it as our hole to hide in? I believe God has a plan for each of us and will provide us with means to achieve that purpose. It’s about Him and His glory! That perspective has really influenced my desires for the meaning of my home and the means by which to achieve it. So as I continue unpack boxes and then decorate our space, I know that even if everything doesn’t come together as I have envisioned God does have it all together still! 


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Sunday, July 8, 2012

Second Anniversary Reflection & Video




Second Anniversary Reflection Questions
(Um...what a wild look on my face to start a video! Yikes)
    
      Marriage is challenging because it requires us to stretch to new limits of patience, selflessness, forgiveness, mindfulness or intention, love, and understanding among many other qualities. Our time dating was flawless, and I had expected marriage to be a continuation. It has proven to, instead, be a wild ride of thrilling highs and crushing lows. Our first year of marriage wasn't "newlywed bliss," but survival of our circumstances. This second year has taught us tremendously about applying 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 to move from just surviving to fully loving. It's a process and a work that produces a beautifully deep kind of love and marriage. Praise the Lord for lessons that shape us more and more to be the kind of people he created us and our marriage to be- even if the means of teaching is trying. 

 Expectations must be expressed and agreed upon, realistic, and within the context of who your spouse is
       The roles of "wife" and "husband" are significant and not to be taken lightly, especially within the context of a Christian union. However, I've had to acknowledge that we each had different views and expectations for those roles. After rounds of discontentment and disappointment I began to see how my husband was upholding his role but in his own unique fashion.  I wanted him to talk more, but have realized that he wisely reserves his speech to be of something meaningful and encouraging. Faith or God is probably mentioned more in church than in our home, we don't pray together or do family devotions, but I have seen over and over how he strives to truly display the character of Christ. In other words, I see how he values walking the walk over talking the talk. We don't go out and do many of the activities that others do, but I understand that within our personalities is contentment and beauty in taking advantage of small moments together at home. There are so many expectations I held my husband to without even realizing it, and am amazed and blessed to watch (often, in retrospect) those assumptions be transformed to exceed my expectations. Coming to admire your spouse and marriage for who/what he/it is and not your expectation is the making of a strong unit!

Marriage may not be entirely for our happiness, but instead for our holiness
     What do you do with the label of "newlywed bliss" when it feels far from it? When I see other couples exhibiting joyfulness, closeness and a smooth transition into marriage I wonder what did we miss because we're out of breath and climbing mountains. Bitter comparison aside, we haven't missed anything because God is teaching us lessons that are appropriate for us and us alone. No, our married life probably doesn't look like others and that's okay. We have our own lessons to learn and tests to take, neither of which   are guaranteed to be easy. I have personally learned so much from marriage and to be honest it has nothing to do with happiness. Instead, it has everything to do with personal refinement into more Christ-likeness. I enjoy how Gary Thomas says,  "What if God didn't design marriage to be 'easier'? what if God had an end in mind that went beyond our happiness, our comfort, and our desire to be infatuated and happy as if the world were a perfect place? What if God designed marriage to make us holy more than make us happy?" in his book Sacred Marriage. This perspective has been influential in accepting less than ideal circumstances and being open to whatever God has in mind to be gained from them. It's something that I'm don't do all to well and am in need of reminding often, but I'm grateful for those reminders as well. 

Always, always remember that if we have family, then we have everything
     Daring to go against the grain by practicing homemaking with less than ideal circumstances can be tough!  However, we have each other and together we can climb mountains far better than we could alone. I'm so grateful for his companionship and that together we are "family." I have a wordart painting I made hanging in my home that serves to encourage and recenter us and it reads, "If we have family, then we have everything." When stresses render life to feel like it possesses nothing, I'm reminded of the incredible value of family. It's what we're about and why we've made the choices we have.  As with anything, it's a journey to achieve maintaining this confidence during trials. Yet, I can look forward to this upcoming year continuing to learn to define having everything as having family, even if that remains defined as just he and I.

Two verses that have been close to my heart this past year:
"Love is patientlove is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seekingit is not easily angeredit keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (emphasis mine)

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28 (emphasis mine)


Favorite Marriage Resources:
201 Great Questions for Married Couples by Jerry Jones {A few of the questions in the video came from this book}




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Thursday, May 17, 2012

Trading College for Homemaking


    
      
       May- it's the time for graduations. But for me it's a time of guilt and grief. It's a reminder that I didn't do what I was supposed to do. It's a flagrant labeling of me as a quitter, failure. I spent six years and thousands of dollars and yet have no piece of paper hanging on my wall with my name on it. Six months from the finish line and I walked away. I pushed so hard for so long to make it happen, but for all the wrong reasons. Finally, I stopped. I could no longer ignore God's tug on my heart. In that moment, for the first time I asked Him what He would have me to do and that changed everything. 

    When I began my college journey I was assured of my abilities to perform academically. I very proudly stated that I was a college student, where I attended and what I was majoring in (at the time ;) ). When I think back on those years, I was always trying to prove myself. I could do it. I am intelligent. I am capable. I am worthy of this praise. An “A” wasn’t just a score, but a symbol for approval. I tried and I tried, but the Proverb (16:18) rang true that pride goes before the fall. The last program attended was again a last stitch effort to redeem myself from my miserable college performance. It was the logical and safe choice, but not the best choice. I discovered that a pretty solid sign that you’re on the wrong path is when you feel obligated to change or hide who you are for it. Indeed, I had denied myself on the inside to become pretend to be what I was supposed to be for this field. I was miserable and cried each day. One day in particular was telling. The instructor had asked us to envision life five years from then. Every single person said an education or career goal. Me? I silenced the room and left jaws dropped with my honest response of “home and family.” I had kept this to myself before then but there was the moment I had to be truthful or deceitful with myself and them.  I kept thinking, “if God created me as I am for a reason, then what am I doing trying to be or do something else.” So, I stepped out in faith into the unknown believing that God knows better than I do and He is trustworthy.

     Yet, I still want that beaming look of pride expressed to one who has achieved a college degree. I want that sense of value that is bestowed upon those who have earned and achieved it according to this measure. To be considered accomplished and educated (because the paper deems one educated whereas my time spent in study all those years doesn't). To be given the same respect and regard for choosing wife as others are given for choosing work. In my weakness, I begin to believe that these desires would be satisfied if I went back to the traditional path of college, career, and then family. After all, a homemaker without children is nonsense, right? I’m wasting my time and energy, not to mention holding us back from moving on in life, by choosing this foreign path of homemaking as means of pursuing home and family, right? The conflicting messages easily throw me into a pit of self-pity and despair.

     To believe these things and act upon them would be to once again do the wrong things for the wrong reasons. I notice how me-driven or others-driven my motivation was during my college years. The same is true of the (false) desires mentioned above. It’s all about what I could do for what they could give to me. It’s an empty exchange because only God could satisfy those desires of my heart. Only He can give me worth, because He is the one who carefully crafted me to be as I am. And it is only He who deserves such high regard and glory. Who am I? Rather, I am one seeking the Lord and endeavoring to walk by faith. I may one day return to college, but it will be for the right reasons- to gain greater knowledge and skills or be in place for influence to serve Him for His glory.

     Even in my weak moments (and this particular month there are many) I know that I can rest in the comfort of my Heavenly Father’s loving embrace. I also know that love is so great that He would give me a husband who so patiently endures my weaknesses and even my sold-out heart for home and family.  Blessed.
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