Read Part 1
Interestingly,
striving to meet this need to being needed can unknowingly cause us to attempt
to create its fulfillment. In other words, if I do and give all that I can to
another I can consequently cause him/her to be dependent on me and therefore
continuously temporarily fill the void I feel. This situation can easily creep
in life within the spouse-spouse relationship and parent-child relationship. At
one point in my marriage and transition to homemaking, I felt as though I
needed to do absolutely everything pertaining to the home. Honestly, instead of
permitting my husband to act as a grown man I encouraged him to be a child
through by “helping” and “giving” actions. I had taken over any responsibility
he had (beyond work), but yet grew frustrated that he didn’t perform any tasks
outside his job! When I reexamine this time and my motives, I’m surprised by
how easily that focus on myself and my needs took over, despite the
contradiction. Similarly, ever witness a parent lament of his/her adult
child continuing to behave as a child dependent on him/her, but yet is also
being “assisted” with gas money, rent, other bills, vehicle, insurance, or
other adult responsibilities? There comes a point when the question must be
asked, “am I really helping this individual or am I simply keeping him/her
dependent on me.” The following question then arises, “am I doing so in order
to continue to feel needed?” Perhaps a difficult understanding to arrive
at in life is the assurance of still being needed beyond the time when someone
you love isn’t dependent on you in the same way.
Truth is, we are always needed. We simply transition to being
needed in different ways throughout our lives. For a time, we may need to pack
lunches, iron clothes, tie shoes, and offer any and all assistance we can.
Then, we must allow ourselves to move into another means of being needed. I
believe this secondary means is actually the most important because it involves
simply offering yourself.
Believe it or not, what he/she actually wants most is not what you can give or
do for them, but who you are for them. It’s about giving yourself. Though, that’s
a difficult thing to give if we’ve yet to define ourselves by appropriate
means. Do you believe you have innate value or worth just for being who
you are? What about the acknowledgement and appreciation for yourself because God
carefully crafted you; he designed you to be you. Yes, He instilled in you a great many
things and ways to give to others. The greatest of all, however, is simply yourself. Perhaps if this is an
area of uncertainty, then I encourage you to take some time to spend with your
spouse or child and not do or give him/her anything. Just be fully present with
your attention and interaction.
I’m fairly certain my husband appreciates being treated as an adult capable of
handling some responsibilities and I making myself more available in the
moment, than when I’m an exhausted mess attempting to handle and do absolutely
everything for the both of us. Similarly, I believe a grown or nearly-grown
child wishes the same from his/her parent by this stage. What’s truly desired isn’t what can
be done in service or material gifted, but simply yourself- validated through
who God is and who he made you to be.
Linked up at: Homemaker By Choice, Thankful Homemaker, Women Living Well
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