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A tumultuous relationship may
not be the result of a lack of love but a lack of trust. Often in these
relationships a certain amount of tension is present and minor infractions
escalate into explosive conflicts. On the surface it would appear that love no
longer ties these individuals together. However, their repetitive interactions
and, at times, moments of mutual aid and concern would suggest otherwise. And
so, perhaps it is the element of trust that has been broken and not love.
Trust suggests
benevolence towards the recipient. The recipient must be ascertained to be
honest and a secure place to confide and rest. Trust must be present for the expression of
the deepest level of love. Love is, after all, perhaps the most vulnerable
state of being. Before fully loving, we must be able to fully trust. A sensitive emotion or state of being like
love is unlikely to be shared fully with someone with whom trust cannot be
securely established. If that sharing is surmised to be at risk for being
abused, then hesitation or even withholding of the full depth of love may
occur. In this sense, the response becomes a means of self-preservation.
Perhaps the greatest definition and
demonstration of the meaning of love is found in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 which
states:
“4Love is patient,
love is kind. It does not envy,
it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is
not easily angered, it keeps no
record of wrongs. 6Love does
not delight in evil but rejoices
with the truth. 7It always
protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” (emphasis mine).
Trust
is damaged when the opposite characteristics listed within the verse are
demonstrated. When love is given, and yet in response impatience, unkindness,
envy, boastfulness, pride, rudeness, self-seeking, anger, etc is offered. The
response is then unloving in expression regardless of the intention to be so or
not. Over time, the mishandling of love by these means creates a barrier within
the sender. He/she comes to learn that the recipient cannot be trusted with the
full extent of one’s love.
With this said, it is also important to
address the verity that perfect love is impossible to achieve. Only God is
capable of consistently demonstrating perfect love. Perfection, or the lack of
shortcomings, is not the point of focus. The focus is on the conscious effort.
The inability to demonstrate perfect love does not give warrant for the lack of
conscious effort to work towards constant improvement. Marriage is a prime
example as to how the emotion of love serves as the foundation but the work of
love builds it up. A parent to child relationship, sibling to sibling, or
friend to friend relationship is no different. The work of love cannot be
neglected! At times it is easier to respond rashly in an unloving manner than to
take the time and energy necessary to respond in the right way. However, a
relationship is worthy of such effort.
When a wall of uncertain trust or even
distrust has formed in a relationship, time and work are necessary for breaking
and rebuilding that wall. The wall wasn’t built immediately and so a sudden
change of behavior or words will likely not immediately break it. Be diligent
in the pursuit of rebuilding. Perhaps the first action needing to be taken is a
sincere apology. In some instances, a break in trust due to unloving behavior cannot
merely be ignored or assumed to have been given a continuous pardon based on
whatever connection may exist in the relationship. An apology is an act of strength not weakness. It takes true strength to reflect and
acknowledge wrongdoing and the need for personal work. From the point of apology,
begin to study and practice each characteristic of love. Become highly
intentional to demonstrate them. The test, of course, will be to pause before a
response to determine a more loving approach. The repetitive practice will form
habits that will be reflected positively in both individuals and the
relationship. Again, it isn’t about the achievement of perfection but progress.
Love takes work, and sometimes an insufficient
effort towards that work results in a break in trust. Love and trust may
continue to exist despite the weakened state of the relationship. However, they
may come to exist at a lesser level. A hesitation or withholding to some degree
of love and trust may persist until the recipient has been ascertained to be a
safe and secure resting place. This uncertainty manifests in the form of the
continuous presence of tension between the individuals within the relationship.
It’s never too late to begin the necessary work of improvement, however. It
merely requires resolve and intentionality to personally take on the
characteristics of love.
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