As a
little girl, I would daydream about the moment that Prince Charming would ask
me to marry him. The fall air would be crisp and I would be thankful for the
long lace sleeves of my gown. My father’s arm would wrap around mine and with
an single look we would exchange an understanding of the beauty of this moment.
His little girl was to be wed, and soon begin the next season of life. The
string music would play softly and the guests would rise indicating that it was
time for me to walk toward my groom and our life together. Our eyes would meet
and enormous grins would stretch across our faces. This is it. This is the most
important day of our lives. This is our wedding day.
Even in my childlike mind, I had my
wedding day on a pedestal. I knew it was supposed to be a magical day in life,
and every movie and message confirmed it. Best of luck to Mr. Charming because
getting married to me would come with some high expectations.
Interestingly, I never envisioned my
groom. There was never a particular build, hair color or even personality type
to go along with the physical presence that was at the altar. Perhaps those
details were considered only minor elements to the big day, despite the fact
that they belonged to the groom whom is a pretty instrumental for that
particular event. My dream was all about the wedding.
Life is kind of funny in how it rearranges
our ideas. My actual wedding was nothing like what I had envisioned, and I am
thankful for that contrast. It even now strikes me as humorous to compare the
two. The proposal was not an elaborate production, but one more intimate. I am
not sure if I will ever forget the sight of David standing in front of me while
shaking and stuttering to get the words of the question out. It was the
greatest and most life changing words he would ever speak, and his delivery was
honest and heartfelt. I never imagined it that way, and now I can’t imagine it
any other way. It was perfect. I, of course, said “yes!” I also suddenly became
left handed as for some reason my right hand seemed inadequate in comparison to
the left which now displayed a shiny ring.
We kept our engagement short, and while this
period is typically full of delight over dresses, colors and other planning my
mind and heart were elsewhere. I just wanted to begin life with him. Instead of
the orchestration of the wedding day, I dreamed of beginning and ending each
day together. I was filled with excitement for even the mundane aspects of
married life like grocery shopping and sharing meals. The little girl grew up
and realized that there was more to marriage than a wedding day.
We chose to wed in private, and then
celebrate with friends and family on separate occasions. No longer was it the day, but our day. We did not have to be concerned about details of the
ceremony or the fact that we would be the center of attention (a position that
is rather uncomfortable for each of us). The exchange of vows was the most
important to us, and it was that aspect that we desired to be the center of our
attention. They were intimate words of our love and devotion to one another. From
this point forward we would become one in marriage.
To my surprise, married life did not come
as smoothly as I had expected. We experienced our most difficult times to date
during our first years of marriage, but also learned a tremendous amount about
love and marriage. I expected to enter the famed “newlywed bliss” season of
marriage and eagerly assert that I had married my best friend. While we did
marry as best friends, we did not stay that way for long. I grieved the close
relationship we had while dating and lamented over the ways life had changed. I
imagine that he struggled with a similar realization of the difference between
the expectations of marriage and the reality of marriage. What happened? Where
did we go wrong? Why was marriage not making me happy?
The truth is that marriage will not make you
happy if you were not happy before marriage. Depreciative feelings toward myself
or my life’s accomplishments will not disappear and I suddenly become a happier
person with a better life simply because I am married. In fact, to place a
means of definition of myself and fulfillment of my life solely on my marriage
is to weigh it down with far greater responsibility than it was ever intended
to hold. Perhaps there is more to marriage than me and my state of being.
In
his book, Sacred Marriage, Gary
Chapman poses the question: “What if God designed marriage to make us holy more
than to make us happy?” The message is not that we will not be happy in
marriage, because I assure you there is happiness in marriage. Rather, that
marriage is a tool and not the end goal in life. God uses this tool to carve
and sharpen us. Marriage teaches selflessness in that instead of my focus being
on my happiness it shifts to the happiness of my husband. We are both going to
experience moments of unhappiness in life, and it does neither of us any good
if we are both focused on our own state instead of encouraging the other
person. Marriage also teaches the meaning of love and grace regardless of them being
offered in return.
Marriage is a powerful tool, and I would
miss these lessons if my focus had not shifted to God and His purposes for it. My
life and love have been enriched greatly because of marriage. The truth is that
my wedding day had little to do with reaching this end. Although it was a
beautiful day and a memory that I will always hold dear, the greater joys in
life are the marriage and the man with whom it is shared. And so, may the child who imaginatively transforms
a pillowcase into a veil and a Ring Pop candy into an engagement ring dream
wildly, but also grow into a young lady who understands and cherishes that
marriage is more than a wedding day.
Linked up at: Women Living Well, A Wise Woman Builds Her Home, Deep Roots at Home, Raising Homemakers, We Are THAT Family
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